doesn't she look like a pirate? ARRRR MATEY! STICK YOUR PEG LEG UP MY CUNTER!relationships are brutal. they don't last, they wear down your psyche, and when it's all said and done, you're reduced to a pile of rubble we once referred to as human. they're mentally and physically exhaustive, but the latter is usually much, much more enjoyable.. unless, you're being abused because you picked up the wrong tampons with a cardboard application instead of the new nifty plastic jawns that slide in with the ease.. but enough about brady and youri, i'm here to tell you the truths of relationships and why you shouldn't expect so much.. actually, you shouldn't expect anything at all, except pain INSIDE your anus when it's finally over.
1st tip: human beings are UNPREDICTABLE
no matter how much cuddling and talking a couple may do in the early stages of a relationship, one constant is this: no matter how much intel you gather, no matter how much soul searching you did with your loved one, it's likely you do not fully understand yourself, much less the complex being that you insert your privates into/upon.
i cannot stress this first point enough, because though you may know one's tendencies and habits, you do not know what drives their thought process, nor will you ever know. SO GIVE IT UP. don't come whining to me about how your mate is so unpredictable and how you thought you knew them.
'ZOMG, i can't believe he stuck it in my ass, wtf mate? he knows i have poop problems!!!!1!'
'oh noes, man, she wouldn't let me watch football, even after that rimjob i gave her!'
because, key word here is 'thought'. you 'thought' you knew them, but you don't know them any better than they know you. and those were just the superficial uncertainties you encounter in a relationship, we're not even touching on the basis of cheating/abusing/confused sexuality that many become perplexed with.
so stop playing shrink and just go with it for allah's sake, you'll spend that extra brainpower on how you should incorporate a cucumber and thousand islands dressing on kinky-sex-night-wednesday.
2nd tip: know when to stop arguing
this is arguably [haha, get it? argue, arguably? i'm a riot!] the one thing that will cut stress out of your relationship; just stop. be the bigger human, just cut it out. the amount of 'love' one feels for their fellow partner is of no use when a third of the time is spent bickering. bickering is for couples too cowardly to split up, then they get into a long and painful marriage that resembles the sequence in 'reservoir dogs' when the cops gets his ear sliced off; though the act may indeed be offscreen, you're still left without a right ear while screaming, no, begging for mercy.
if you encounter this in your relationship, realize that if you can't get past the pubes in the soap or the fact we forget to put the seat down, you're gonna split your wig over the things that really matter; life, liberty, and the pursuit of porn.. or some shit like that. this constant war will cause you both to lose your sanity and you're only going to look stupid when you're arguing in the supermarket about how you prefer breyer's over edy's/dreyers.
so, stressing about his dingleberry picking habits/her menstrual blood hand paintings? then pack your bags, because you're only delaying the inevitable. and think of the kittens you just saved.
that's all i have for tonight, but if you run into a snag not listed here [which, by god, you will], do what mickey in 'snatch' did after his mother got toasted like an english muffin; get completely hammered until you have alcohol poisoning, therefore schlepping your emotions to some underage high schooler undeserving of whatever you're about to dish out. ONE LOVE!
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