[le sigh]

dearly beloved, where have you been?

oh, where was the drive gone? the desire, the impetus, the inspiration?

have you gone away altogether, and left me a desolate shell?

am i not able to get myself out of this proverbial hole without you?

so, am i stuck? am i to be left in this overfill of waste, pathetic waste?

where are you, dearly beloved, my saving grace? is it too much for me to ask?

is it too greedy to ask for a lift, a shove in the path.. a path that'll end in happiness?

can i not have my fix? a jolt is all that's needed, really.

to clear my head of the haze, the clouds are formed thick and impenetrable.

that's why i'm asking.. no, pleading. groveling. begging-

for something. save me from this personal hell, for i cannot do it-

not by myself..

you've captured my life.

now can you capture a miracle?

laugh

 

counting..

counting time is not so important as making time count!

unmounting pressure

it's getting to be a bit much at this point. i usually brush it off, and attempt to not let it affect my thought process, my reasoning. but with each phone call, each voicemail, it helps cloud my vision, and instead of helping their cause, it's further pushing me away.

i won't elaorate much more than that, but leave with these parting words;

i'm not one to buckle to overbearing forces, for i stand more upright with each encounter..

well?

backup

truthfully, as important as my photo files and video files and music files are to me, i don't think i'd be too devastated if they were to all disappear. i spend a lot of time with my media [photos in particular] and pour a lot in it. it's a never ending cycle of obtaining and controlling and manipulating and, and.. it's a lot.

but i love it ever so much. it's like my escape from reality, a short time in which i can spend away from all the problems in life. i open up a photo book, watch some footage, listen to some tracks.. they all service my imagination, my soul, like wd40 to a rusted and squeaky door hinge.

i smile, i cringe, i laugh, i cry.. i fly away. maybe that's why i back it up. what good is a vacation if there's no way of getting there?

enjoy!

hello ladies and genteel men, welcome aboard flight 413u. if you're on your way to the land free of distortion, welcome; if not, you should probably go back to work.

now, some important safety information; please do not contact anyone you would not label family or friends, or anyone willing to bring you back down. this is very vital, because these slight distractions can really throw us off our flight pattern, causing the oxygen masks to deploy and we may have to have an emergency landing is some desolate place like boise.

please, unfasten your seatbelts, as they tend to cut off circulation and make you that much more uptight. to do this, pull on the metal tab and pull on the opposing strap. if you have children traveling with you, do this as well, and then place them in the overhead compartment.

we are equipped with one exit, which doesn't work. sorry.

our inflight movie will consist of sun, sand, surf, and some seaweed. unfortunately, to bring you this free movie, seaweed must be incorporated, but should you feel that it interferes too much with your relaxation, take a moment to take an oxygen mask and hurl the seaweed as far as humanly possible. preferably on someone who deserves it.

should we encounter some turbulence, that's just our pilots breaking up the clouds.

now, when we land, please do becareful with the overhead compartments, as the children probably would have kicked around all of your baggage. oh, wait, that's right, hopefully you left your baggage at home.

please, enjoy!

ATTAAAAAACK | the warmth

life

wrestle it to the ground, put it in a choke hold. when it eventually breaks out and smashes a folding chair to your forehead, you take it and get ready to get up after getting raped with it's elbow.

then it's your turn to dish out the hurt.


[tangent]

i be bobby you be whitney..

will you be my crackbitch? we can live in desperation together.. huddle next to each other every fearful, neurotic, paranoid episode after a hit wears off.

what do you say? sound like something you wanna do? we can suck dick for coke. together.

[end tangent]

that's from an old post from my old journal.

i was perusing through old pictures of my recently removed ex and myself.

and i miss it.

not her, but human contact. someone's warmth.

you know during the winter time, when you have to whip out the huge comforters and blankets, and you bundle yourself up at night, and when you wake up, you're in such perfect comfort and warmth that you just don't want to get up for anything?

remember what it feels like to reach over in the cold morning and run your hand over the hot back of the one you're with? your finger tips melting with each successive inch, warming not only your body, but your soul? something as slight at their radiating warmth is enough to fill you up with optimism and love, isn't it?

you can't help but put that retarded smile on your face and roll over, and instead of just taking in the warmth with your hand, you attach yourself like a suction cup and take as much of it in as you can, cause it's exhilarating.. in the calmest, most serene way exhilarating can possibly be.

it seems as if our bodies are perfectly sculpted to take fitment of a human being. from behind, placed in front, along the sides.. it works. the way the back arches so perfectly into your torso, how your arms just slide down alongside the ribs, how your legs intertwine like.. like legs, intertwining. how your face lines up into the nape of their neck, your lips teasing that tender area underneath the ear lobe, your fingers twirling around the stomach, your breath dancing along the shoulders..

the lack of words beside 'warmth' and the lack of metaphors, i think, justifies the purity that involves this subject. nothing complex, just this feeling of love. unadulterated, bashful and playful, love.

i worry about this fuck

one of those guys you don't see often, but they're never really gone.

and this war that we're in.. well, it can change that in a heartbeat, can't it?

and that's when shit will hit the fan, and throw some things into perspective..

where we be

i find a map and draw a straight line
over rivers, farms, and state lines
the distance from here to where you'd be
it's only finger lengths that i see
i touch the place, where i'd find your face
my finger in creases of distant dark places

i hang my coat up in the first bar
there is no peace that i've found so far
the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in science

their words mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me

i'm miles from where you are
as i lay down on the cold ground
i, i pray that somethings picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

_snow patrol

convention

infiniti had a slew of ads stating their unconventional approach to vehicles.

they don't just apply to cars.

unavoidable

it's bound to happen. being restricted all your life, you yearn to break free, to get out. instinct comes into play, and with it goes any sort of reasoning, any sort of mechanical thought process that tells you what you ought to do.

what you ought to do is follow that instinct and throw away the social acceptances that are forced upon us.

afterall, we're animals..

..just with speech and tools.

friends

uplifting painful gut wrenching euphoric devastating joyful hopeful renewed torn angered overpowered bewildered lonely fulfilled burdened desperation anticipation anxious depressed surprised elation exhaustion excitement exhileration admiration awe completion proud longing

life, and its ups and downs.

but you know what? your true friends will be there through the trials and tribulations. this isn't a given, but it is when you feel it there, in your heart.

and i'm lucky to have that, 2 fold. even when everything else goes to shit, you've always got this.