wow

our Dreams
and They are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-tone loving
Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my HEART
like
Why are we here?
and Where do we go?
and How come it's so hard?
_jack johnson

the anatomy of a freak 3

i'm not going to make up for lost time

I suppose most kids in the US grow up in a secure, happy environment. I was that kid for the most part growing up. When I was my young, plump self, I was indeed a happy kid running around with my friends and doing what kids do best.

I think back to those summers of my childhood and it reminds me of how simple life was, and how simple life should be.

But things got complicated. My parents, busy with p&h, didn’t have the time to raise me the way they raised my brother and sisters. I was a bully, getting into fights everyday, not doing homework, and being the opposite of my family; lazy and non-appreciative.

So at the end of the 4th grade year, my father and I went to visit old family friends in Tex. My parents had told me of a twin sister I had never known about, and off we went for a first time visit. It was exciting, getting on that plane and taking off. None of my peers at the time have traveled much outside of New York and the Jersey Shore, so for me to be setting off into the sky headed for Tex was a whole new adventure for me.

The family lived in the suburbs of Austin, 3 daughters and a son. The oldest was a mere 6 days older than me and all are book smart beyond their years, not to mention slim. Coming into their house, I was the opposite of the family in every way imaginable, the boy-devil who had come to consume them all with it’s evil.

I was tricked by my whole family into going down there. There was no twin, and the supposed 2 week trip turned out to be a 9 month exercise into shaping me to be more like the stereotypical Asian kid; ultra-smart, hardworking, and respectful. Look at me now, and ask; did it work?

The life lived in Tex was a complete one-80 from what I left in Philly. I had to study, do homework, do piano lessons, do extra-curricular math activities, and do a stuffy house-hold that allowed little personal growth. The kids are all cookie-cutter Asians. The parents, stern and extremely academically inclined.

It was a bad year. I was asked as a child to turn the reins at a moment’s notice. I’m not sure if anyone took into consideration my feelings on it all, or if maybe they thought for a moment that a child, though moldable, might have a difficult time being away from it’s family. Maybe they didn’t think that a carefree kid would have an overtly difficult time adjusting to a completely different set of standards and a whole new way of life. They expected results, and those results were expected right away.

I remember my brother and my mother visiting me a couple of months after the school year started. Their stay was without a doubt the greatest joy and the biggest heartbreak; seeing them, my flesh and blood, freed me from the family i was staying with, but when they left, I locked myself in the bathroom and balled my eyes out. I cried so hard and for so long, it had been about 5 years since I've cried in the same way when my mother and I left Vietnam.

But shit, I wish I knew what was coming after Tex, because living in Arizona with the younger sister was hell on the sun, and I don’t just mean temperature wise..

the anatomy of a freak II

i suppose at the root of every problem, exists a family. something to give rise to such a devil child must stem from somewhere, and what better place than to start than childhood? the time when one is most vulnerable, most impressionable, and most scared. stability at at childhood can be an illusion, especially when you look at how many dysfunctional people are mass reproducing at an attempt to smother us with lunatics, but i digress: your's truly had a tumultuous childhood, which in turn helps label me more a 'freak' than you may have realized thus far.

maybe it was the fact that i grew up in a immigrant/refuge household. i was always different than most the other kids. sure i had a few who had the same growing pains, but we were grossly out numbered and didn't realize each other's plight. that growing up in such a household, where responsibility is shared amongst 3 older siblings and parents equally puts a strain on a living relationship. i remember having a sweatshop in my basement as a child, my whole family bent over sewing machines hours and hours at a time. my brother and sisters would come home from school and start sewing away. the younger sister had a particular talent with it, even though it was the older one who went on to design clothing for a living. the brother was always confused as to why he had to slave over mounds of cloth while his friends were able to go out and play.

he and the younger sister always agreed about one thing; they hated sewing and resented missing out on their childhood, even to this day [let it go assholes].

i just watched and ate cheese and butter and shit like that. all the hardships flew right by me, but hey, you can't expect a 4 or 5 year old to do hard labor. i mean, does this look like asia?

but we progressed. one of the sewing machines is in my room, maybe it was the lucky one, i haven't a clue. but from the house/sweatshop on bingham st, we move 2 blocks over to c st, where yet another form of labor was put on my family; a small corner grocery store, run and owned by the pham family. welcome to p&h corner grocery.

but this is where my dilemma comes in; because it's a family run business, it requires a great deal of work and dedication to make it a success. needless to say, success became something uttered quite often when referring to my family, as all the hard, back breaking work paid off.. for the most part. i've written a bible about my family's start with the sweatshop, the start with the store, and left out everything since their exodus from the motherland, and i've yet talk about me.. except for the whole cheese and butter thing.

so, to shorten things; family profited from the store, oldest sister graduated penn state and now designs clothes for adidas, younger sister graduated temple pharm and who's highschool sweatheart turned husband is a dollar store mogul in az, and the brother graduated villanova and is ceo of his own media design firm.

and where do i lay? somewhere in between hobo and college dropout. and before i run off on another tangent, you may wonder where i lay back in the days of p&h. you may remember me saying something about cheese and butter, which may lead you to believe i was an overweight child. however, you'd be wrong; i was a grossly overweight child, with enough love handles and double chins for victims of a downed boeing 747 to latch on to. and the store? that didn't help much, being as i was living in junkfood valhalla.

but thank god i grew out of that stage. i weighed in at almost 120lb. when i was 10. that's insane to weigh that much when you haven't even grown past 5', because some said i was growing out faster than i was growing up.

but the root of the weight-loss came not only from dieting, but it came from an unprecedented level of stress up to that point in my life..

sometimes, i feel like this..

'thank you for smoking'

like everyone's staring at me, feeling sorry for me.. or some shit. i can't blame them, i feel a little sorry for myself as well :D go ahead, stare at me, i dare ya.

but by golly was today a lovely day. spring is finally rearing its beautiful face, and what a beautiful face it is. with the sun and warm weather comes the shedding of those winter furs, when the lovely shapes begin making an appearance again. there's not much worthy of a fine ass shaking its way down the road, us boys just kind of cock our heads sideways and stare as if we're caught in a trance.


'as if?' please, we are in a trance. the hormones rocketing off ones body strikes like the death star on alderaan with no mercy. even guys lucky enough to have a fine woman by their side can't help themselves from the fresh display of bootay making the rounds. it's been months since the weather has been warm enough in this region to see a babe rocking her goods.


and is it my fault it's all on display? hell no. if my eyes wander, you better believe it's because i haven't gotten my jollies off in a little while, but once i do.. ooooh, watch out.

don't get me wrong, i'll still be looking.. just not nearly as often. long.