advice from the human guru: lesson UNO.UNO

doesn't she look like a pirate? ARRRR MATEY! STICK YOUR PEG LEG UP MY CUNTER!

relationships are brutal. they don't last, they wear down your psyche, and when it's all said and done, you're reduced to a pile of rubble we once referred to as human. they're mentally and physically exhaustive, but the latter is usually much, much more enjoyable.. unless, you're being abused because you picked up the wrong tampons with a cardboard application instead of the new nifty plastic jawns that slide in with the ease.. but enough about brady and youri, i'm here to tell you the truths of relationships and why you shouldn't expect so much.. actually, you shouldn't expect anything at all, except pain INSIDE your anus when it's finally over.

1st tip: human beings are UNPREDICTABLE

no matter how much cuddling and talking a couple may do in the early stages of a relationship, one constant is this: no matter how much intel you gather, no matter how much soul searching you did with your loved one, it's likely you do not fully understand yourself, much less the complex being that you insert your privates into/upon.

i cannot stress this first point enough, because though you may know one's tendencies and habits, you do not know what drives their thought process, nor will you ever know. SO GIVE IT UP. don't come whining to me about how your mate is so unpredictable and how you thought you knew them.

'ZOMG, i can't believe he stuck it in my ass, wtf mate? he knows i have poop problems!!!!1!'

'oh noes, man, she wouldn't let me watch football, even after that rimjob i gave her!'

because, key word here is 'thought'. you 'thought' you knew them, but you don't know them any better than they know you. and those were just the superficial uncertainties you encounter in a relationship, we're not even touching on the basis of cheating/abusing/confused sexuality that many become perplexed with.

so stop playing shrink and just go with it for allah's sake, you'll spend that extra brainpower on how you should incorporate a cucumber and thousand islands dressing on kinky-sex-night-wednesday.

2nd tip: know when to stop arguing

this is arguably [haha, get it? argue, arguably? i'm a riot!] the one thing that will cut stress out of your relationship; just stop. be the bigger human, just cut it out. the amount of 'love' one feels for their fellow partner is of no use when a third of the time is spent bickering. bickering is for couples too cowardly to split up, then they get into a long and painful marriage that resembles the sequence in 'reservoir dogs' when the cops gets his ear sliced off; though the act may indeed be offscreen, you're still left without a right ear while screaming, no, begging for mercy.

if you encounter this in your relationship, realize that if you can't get past the pubes in the soap or the fact we forget to put the seat down, you're gonna split your wig over the things that really matter; life, liberty, and the pursuit of porn.. or some shit like that. this constant war will cause you both to lose your sanity and you're only going to look stupid when you're arguing in the supermarket about how you prefer breyer's over edy's/dreyers.

so, stressing about his dingleberry picking habits/her menstrual blood hand paintings? then pack your bags, because you're only delaying the inevitable. and think of the kittens you just saved.

that's all i have for tonight, but if you run into a snag not listed here [which, by god, you will], do what mickey in 'snatch' did after his mother got toasted like an english muffin; get completely hammered until you have alcohol poisoning, therefore schlepping your emotions to some underage high schooler undeserving of whatever you're about to dish out. ONE LOVE!

thou shall not..

..use poetry, art, or music to get in girls pants..

..use it to get into their heads.

because, man, what a waste THAT is for vagina.

i don't imagine too many people going that route, though. maybe i should try it.. or not.

but people do have techniques they use to lure the opposing sex, veils to cover their true intentions [most the time]. and sometimes, it's a shame when it all comes down to vying for a piece of ASS without any intentions of truly connecting. i don't believe in it, it's too.. immature, not even primitive.

i haven't gotten me a piece of the pie since.. august 31, 2006. almost 8 months. some of my peers would be furious, pulling out all the stops. like me peers, i enjoy the lust that comes with having a relationship, but by no means necessary am i going to deface my name and reputation for something so insignificant.

if i sound self-important, forgive me; i am. i stand for many things, a couple of them being integrity and honesty. i will not stand down to the ever falling standards in society, nor am i going to cop out of my beliefs because you deem them odd and/or weird. i truly feel that i do all in my power to not fold to peer pressure, because i myself do not like my life dictated by anyone other than myself. maybe, just maybe, by my example, i can pump some fucking decency back into a culture so filled with vile content and ass-backwards logic on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, that people will open their eyes and see that life is more than what mtv tells us it is.

open your eyes, and your heart and soul will follow.

happy happy joy joy

I ran a little test today, i asked people i know one thing, just one thing;

what makes you happy?

And boy, what an uproar that caused with some. I wanted to see what responses i got, all the while not knowing what to expect. I thought of the usual things people would say; food, shopping, tv, games, etc. etc. others shot back stating that you can't answer that question, it's much too complex with many variables such as weather, the alignment of the moon with mars and venus, and whether they're on their period or not.. ok, maybe i made that last part up, BUT, we have a dilemma, folks, and it's the fact that we do not know what makes us truly happy. Or we think that happiness is some external entity that dictates when and where we feel it.

Weather? Uncontrollable in any form, unless you count a butterfly's wing flap in australia causing a tornado in texas control. So, the theory goes; if it snows/cloudy/cold/hails/rains pure nuclear acid, we're to feel bad and act on it as if it's a bad day? Who wrote this shit? Is that why philly is so stooped in misery? Because it rains/snows a quarter of the year [probably more]? Here, let me post the whole message so you can see what i'm trying to deal with:

hef: what makes you happy?

Someperson: huh? As in what?

H: it's a simple question. What makes you happy?

S: no, it's not that simple. There are certain elements of life that require different levels of happiness, like life, love, work, friends, weather, etc. now if you need advice, then tell me.

H: you're missing the point, but thanks.

So, do i need advice on how to be happy? Am i, who all along thought i was gleefully running about in my life, need advice on how to live and deal with, uh, life, love, friends, work, and weather?

But while that was the longest non-answer i received, plenty of people chimed back with the simple things;

SomeOtherPerson: food, money, and having fun.

RandomGuy: weekends, summer nights, friends, family, cars, playing games, laying in the shade, driving, car shows, food, california..

Dude: life i guess

HumanMale: a stress-free life, perhaps?

HotBloodedWoman: sleep

FemmeFatale: ..thoughtful things people do, when a man acts with chivalry, animals, music, spending time with my family. Good food makes me really happy, i even do a little dance in my chair if it's really good.. you?

Whoa whoa whoa, i'm asking the question here!

But what makes me happy? After all, i'm asking all these people, have i formulated my answer?

I would have to say that my answer would coincide very much with Dude's answer; life.

I mean, hell, i left class today, walked out of the building, and LAUGHED at NOTHING. Maybe i was laughing at myself, maybe i was laughing because i'm mentally unstable with a hint of psychosis, maybe i was laughing because i was part of a hysterical joke in which no one knew the punchline.. or maybe it's because in that moment, i realized i was alive, and with that realization ripped a lightning bolt through my body that confirmed it. It was a fantastic energy and a smile came onto my face that wasn't easily wiped off, like a sharpie drawn on while you were passed out drunk.

So, my happiness is within life, with all its trials and tribulations, all its glorious victories and joyous moments, and everything and anything that comes to it. I know it sounds overly presumptuous to say such things in light of tragedies that occur on a daily basis with billions of species suffering across the world.

But haven't you learned? Life is suffering. And that's a topic i guess i'll touch on another, day as micheal jackson says with the kiddies at neverland ranch..

THE HEARTZ

there's something to be said of the human condition.. i'm just not qualified to say them. i don't want to mislead anyone by givng them my half-baked view on humanity and it's paradox.

but the soul, the heart, that i can speak of, because it's the only thing within me that sees with true, blissful clarity. it sees through all, and yet is blind to all, because within it lies me. within your heart lies me, as within mine lies you. my heart and soul feel for your's as your's feels for mine, no matter it be hatred or pure unadulterated love, or something in between. i'm shaped by you as all matter is shaped by me, we're all one being forever interacting and connecting and living and dying.

and i love it. i love you. i love everything around me, and as ignorant as that statement may be, it's the truth. i love not only the pleasurable moments, i love the suffrage i feel as well, because that's life, and it's to be had, and within every moment lies yet another, and how can you not have love for that?

i've shunned away useless knowledge in place of true feelings, as that is what will guide me through the rest of my life. knowledge will not tell me how to live, nor will it tell me how to die, but my feelings will never lie to me, they'll just pull me along without bias and without predetermined conclusions brought about by societies lack of compassion for the heart and soul.

and with that, i bid you adieu for now, as life beckons to be with people, people i will imprint myself upon, and receive the same in return. my soul is yearning to meet yours, will you not let down your guard?

time

time is a funny issue. what're your views? not enough hours in a day? too often crawls? flies by?

what about the definition of time? according to some numbers, i've been in existence for over 21 years. what's a year? 365 days, 366 in a leap year, which occurs every 4 years. so.. is life measured in incremental increases of these 'years'?

that was a bad year, that was a good year, that was a mediocre year.. i hear it a lot, after the bell tolls and the calendar reads JAN 1, 'how was your year?' does it make chronicling our lives up to that point easier? or is it a mental block that allows us to forge ahead and make the most of our time by using it as a mechanism to put away the past?

guess it depends on who you ask.

but when people ask me, i kind of sigh and try to move on; my life is lived in stages, i don't take notice of the years. last year is but a mere continuation of my life to this point, not something shelved away systematically, i'm still living it. and who's to say it was anything but a year, a numerical aspect attempting to simplify the craziness in which we're surrounded? 365 days of good, of bad, of everything.

people look at me a little crookedly and try not to think too much of it. i have this whole viewpoint of life in the now. i worry for tomorrow as much as i worry for yesterday; it's not a whole lot. people feel secure in knowing that they've planned out a future for themselves; i ask how can you be secure in a psychological lie? why, if we're alive now, why not take advantage of it and enjoy it while you have it? what's worrying about events set 10 years into the future, when whatever preconceived notions you had about that time will be 100% wrong?

people are supposed to live into their 70s, no sweat in america, but i'm not content in living within the averages. i'm 21, why would i plan for retirement when there's no guarantee that i'll make it into my 30s? don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those people that swear they're going to croak before they're 30 because of their 'fast and furious' lifestyle, i'm just someone who's much more focused about what's occurring at this very moment, because these keys being depressed underneath my fingers, the fatboy slim playing through my speakers, the chill of the night air tingling my naked legs, it's happening right now.

this is my new computer case. its empty innards hungry to be filled with circuitry and energy, completing a long-time goal of building a new computer.

it's parts are strewn all across america, with arrival times slated for week's end. but the end of the week lies an uncertainty that all the parts will arrive in an orderly manner or that they'll even work upon completion. as the week progresses, i'll take the parts in as they come and do what i will with what is in front of me, not hypothesize about what's to be done next, because i can't say for sure.

and that's how i look at life, with uncertainty in it's future and a past that stays there. i don't dwell on my past mistakes and i don't worry about the ones i will make. i'm in the here and now, and that's how i prefer it.

life really is beautiful, but have you come to recognize it?