smile.. again

the feeling is back! happiness is a by product of life [as are other things, but especially this at the moment]. happiness, as any other emotion, can come in waves..

wave

after wave

after wave

and i'm welcoming it. it feels like i was just thrown from the desert into a pool of the purest water that man can come across, and it's the most refreshing thing.

really, it is. i'm already rejuventated.

today..

.. is meaningless. in all of life's tragedies, the most common one must be the waste of a day. a day that could've been the most spec-tac-ular fucking day of your life is spent doing the same old routine that you've been accustomed to doing. sleeping through life, joyless, meaningless.

but that changes. TODAY.

today i embark on a road to rediscover freedom, to rediscover what i've missed out on. today is the first day of the rest of my life. and no, i'm not graduating from any sort of academic institution, i'm just breaking out.

innocence

have we lost all sense of it? fun for the grunt of us can no longer consist of something as simple as a swing in a park on a sunny day, or a run along the waves at the beach.

now we're subjected to the idea that fun has to be obtained at the cost of our untempered youth. drugs sex and rock 'n roll bitches, that's what life's all about. if you can remember the night, then you weren't having enough fun.

it's as if we're all trying to escape something, attempting to put something away that perturbs us so much that we're willing to drink ourselves to oblivion with no regards to the damage we inflict.. the manner in which we confront the complexities is more than unacceptable, but more so a sign of vulnerability, a sign of weakness.

you obviously cannot handle the pressures of life if you have to turn to the bottle or hash everything stress occurs. It's just a coverup, pushing off a load to be dealt with later, like sweeping the dust under the carpet.

i'm just left wondering where things got complicated, distorted.

up there

there's something that resides above the clouds.

something that separates you from everything you've become attached. something that leaves you feeling refreshed, something that leaves you with renewed vigor. it tickles and strokes at your senses; the way the cotton rubs ever so gently behind your arm, the sound of distant bells that leave a magical jingle floating in the air, the smell of air so pure, that it can't possibly be the same substance we're so used to taking in..

this is the place i want to be. call it a pipedream if you will, but this is what i'm striving for. a place where the senses and the soul come together and reside in perfect harmony, a place where the flow of energy is as abundant as fish in the sea and where true enlightenment is but a deep thought away.

it must be lonely at the top..

the smell..

she smelled of pure lust.

it wasn't a fragrance, a perfume; it was her scent, her signature.

this was the first time i was ever arrested in this manner, and it was so sudden, so abrupt. i never saw it coming.

she came in and asked for some ipod accessories, and i was more than happy to assist her. she wasn’t anything out of the ordinary; average height, ordinary dress for women in their early 30s, nothing spectacular in her looks or build. i work in a mall, so we get a lot of fashionistas and attention whores, so she didn't make herself standout the slightest.

i walked from behind the counter and she followed me to the wall of ipod shit. i began telling her about the boring details of the lame underpowered fm transmitters and ugly cases that cost 300x more than they should.. until it hit me.

i for one am not a fan of deodorant or perfume or cologne*, and this was no perfume. it was unlike any aroma i have ever passed through my nose, and just equally indescribable.

nothing subtle about it, it was as if she grabbed me by the ears and smacked me with her pussy. i fell under her hypnosis, lost in a sea of fantasy and lust. my mind went from a robotic stance to one of untapped yearning and hunger for her loving. i wanted to lunge and worship her right there on the sales floor, without thought or consequence. i wanted to drown in the juices of our lush desires and join together as an organism without prejudices or inhibitions.

i

wanted

to

fuck

her

brains

out

i don't remember how our conversation ended, but she said goodbye and left me where i stood, still in a trance merely from her smell. It was the oddest [albeit alluring] thing i've yet to experience in my short time in the world of grownups, and has yet to unfortunately repeat itself.

as far as smell goes, i enjoy the smell of the human body. you have to understand, i am one without body odor, when i sweat, i leave no trace. you could put your nose within an inch of my body and not smell a thing. but most everbody else has a scent, and the scent on most women are appealing. something about the animalistic nature gets to me, the fact that a whiff of your aroma attacks a sense that doesn't often get utilized.

*unless you have horrendously offensive body odor

quit yer cryin'

for a time, it seemed as if everyone had no heart. feelings were brushed aside and people didn't care. it was the cool thing to do. just go around acting like you don't give 2 shits about someone, and it was normal. hell, people enjoyed it. be tough, suck it up, stop crying.

these aren't those times

things have changed. it's been like this for a while now, but it just never seemed this prevalent. no longer are you seeing as many people being rowdy and rough, but softly spoken and emotional. EMO. ok, taken, i'm only speaking of a small percentage here, but when it's something that stands out as much as it does, it lends itself to criticism.

maybe i'm wrong, and maybe it's because i'm looking in all the right places, but since when was it ok to be the biggest sap everyone knows? everyone knew that one person, you know, the guy who was always down in the dumps, luck never looking his way, spirit permanently crushed. we all knew this guy. he genuinely hurt, and it was painful to watch.

and in the advent of these emo posers, everyone is quick to slit their wrists and cry about anything and everything. there's a clear cut difference between feeling true pain and just being overtly extroverted about your sorrows, a difference between being under torturous conditions and merely claiming so.

the truth is you could slit my throat
and with my one last gasping breath
i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
_taking back sunday

i'm sorry, but this is what i'm talking about, the overarching of this nonexistent pain. and again, i'm probably wrong, but when today's youth are all moping around moaning and bitching about the lack of attention they receive from their peers is really all getting to me.

why?

cause i'm the definition of emo, only not. you cannot call yourself gothic because you paint your face white and wear eyeliner and black clothes. that doesn't cut it. you can't call yourself emo because you take bad pictures of yourself looking like you're about to burst into tears because your mom didn't get you a frappacino. it's the same idea, and i proclaim myself emo because i feel emotions on a level that isn't common within my peer group. so i don't cry every time i see a commercial about starving ethiopians, but i feel genuine emotions often and choose to do so. anger, joy, sadness, love, i pride myself on these. i get connected when someone talks to me, really listening to what's being said, instead of waiting for my turn.

i think that's where i separate myself. instead of telling the world how much i feel, i let the world tell me how much they feel, and i'll feel it with them. i'm here for the ride, bitch.

so, stop crying, stop bitching, and open your eyes. life's full of joy and happiness, there's no damn need to be so depressed all the time, no need to announce your "tortured" soul to those who are probably deaf to your monotonous cries. smile :D

lonely morning

break free

as i watch the setting sun
i wonder if i'm the only one
as i look ahead of me
pray for sanity

cause everybody tries to put some love on the line
and everybody feels a broken heart sometimes
even when i'm scared i have to try to fly
sometimes i fall
but i've seen it done before
i've got to break out
step outside these walls

pull back!! move forward!!

am i sad in this picture? i don't know, it was taken over a year ago. i'm at a dilemma, and though i know where i'm at, i have to take a step back and look at what's presented.

i like a girl, far far away. need i say more? in the midst of a connection, i became way too comfortable. i bared too much, much too soon. i've let my defenses down, and for some reason, i feel as if i'm going to pay for it, dearly.

i don't trust people easily, if at all. but here, i opened myself up and made myself comfortable in the dark.

in the dark of a dragon's lair?? or gods' heaven??

that's what i don't know, but i'm starting to question the authenticity in which we're surrounded. i wanted to believe that i was in the company of someone like minded, someone that genuinely felt things in the same manner that i have felt. someone that has a heart.

it's not that i'm pessimistic, i'm just weary, and i threw that belief away, made an exception. and i'm gonna hurt for it..

:D

is what i am when you're near..

it's all understood

But it's all relative

Even if you don't understand
Well it's all understood
Especially when you don't understand
Then it's all just because
Even if we don't understand
Then lets all just believe

what??

my boys. though they may have gotten off on the wrong foot with each other, they're the best people i know outside my family, hands down. this post is dedicated to these fuckers, cause in all seriousness, if i didn't have them, i'd have no one. i love brady [1st pic] and youri [2nd pic] as if they were my own brethren, my own blood. in all seriousness, i love them more than life itself, because they exhibit the fact that not everyone is after something and true brotherhood transcends any barriers, any obstacles.

and don't think i place you guys in any order, you both are number 1!

she's something.. different.

that's a good thing. trust me.

crying shame

It's such a tired game
Will it ever stop?
How will this all play out
Upside out of my mouth?

By now we should know
How to communicate instead of coming to blows
We're on a roll
And there ain't no stopping us now
We're burning under control
Isn't it strange how
We're all burning under the same sun
By now we say its a war for peace
Its the same old game
But do we really want to play?
We could close our eyes its still there
We could say its us against them
We can try but nobody wins
Gravity has got a hold on us all
We try to put it out
But it's a growing flame
Using fear as fuel
Burning down our name
And it wont take too long
Cause words all burn the same
And who we gonna blame now?

And oh, It's such a crying
crying
crying shame
It's such a crying
crying
crying shame
It's such a crying
crying
crying shame
shame
shame

By now it's beginning to show
A number of people are numbers who ain't coming home
I can close my eyes it's still there
Close my mind be alone
I could close my heart and not care
But gravity has got a hold on us all
It's a terrific price to pay
But in the true sense of the word
Are we using what we've learned?
In the true sense of the word
Are we losing what we were?

Its such a tired game
Will it ever stop?
Is not for me to say
And is it in our blood?
Or is it just our fate?
And how will this all play out
Upside out of my mouth
And who we gonna blame?
On and on..

It's such a crying
crying
crying shame

It's such a crying
crying
crying shame

It's such a crying
crying
crying shame
shame
shame

_jack johnson

the collective amount of shit i've been through in my 20 years of existence are nothing compared to that of a year in this man's life. he's my grandfather, a man who i've met once but 15 years ago.

the things this man has gone through, most notably during the vietnam war, would drive many to insanity. and it's not just himself, but two nations that were dragged through the blender. lost daughters, sons, brothers, sisters.. for a cause that no one understood, that, in the end, confused more than it clarified.

and yet, we're at it again, decades later. history is like my playlist, set on repeat..

don't blink!

life'll pass you by!

smile :P

life should be this simple..

bleed

pain is inevitable. life involves suffering, and with that, comes this picture.

sometimes, the ones you care for, the ones you love, hurt you. it's a fact, and it hurts more than if the hurt was dished out by someone else.

we cope with it. if we didn't, we'd all be saps that just cried all the time about how much things hurt. well, if life didn't involve grief, then we'd all be blind to anything and everything. in a twisted way, it makes us better, stronger. that sting that comes with the wound, makes you that much more alive.

lit

in a room surrounded by darkness, a single candle emits a light far more powerful than the deepest of blacks..

..just go

..do it. fuck the constraints, the barriers. go with your heart, and in that moment, you'll discover freedom..

end of days

sunset shots mean a lot to me. the end of a day sometimes seems like the end of today's life, that tomorrow, i'll be someone different, someone born anew. i feel nostalgic when i look at pictures.. don't we all? i regain an experience, like when i look at the second picture. it brings me back to my childhood, when things were simple. but when i think about it, i had some complex thoughts as a kid. when night came, and the day went away, i thought of how life operates in the same manner, sunrise, sunset.. and it saddened me a bit.

then the ADD symptoms that all kids are known to have kicked in, and that was the end of that.

my pops

my dad. my inspiration, motivation, reason for being. the man who helped bring me into the world is the man who will help see me through it.