UGH

apologies end here. questions end here. snapshot, this is it. silver bromide set into the emulsion of the film, exposed, finished. no going back, because life has no reverse.

reaching a lil here;

if you didnt expect me to do anything, how did you expect YOURSELF to feel?

well, when you showed some positive feedback after i left, i felt great. i thought that we were going to be fine that things were going to go along as they were. then the bottom came out from underneath my feet.

Thanh and I have been together for almost 4 years. If it were 4 months, that would have been different.

how would it have been different? i conceded to your relationship with him, and wanted nothing to change on your end. had the letter still remained, i made my position more than known.

I complain about him alot, I know. Maybe i shouldnt have complained to you.

maybe you should, because it makes me aware of the situation in your life, which is what i'm ultimately concerned with in this ordeal.

Maybe I wasnt ready for such a confession, in such little time we've known each other. It caught me off guard SO much, you dont even know. I guess I had a feeling that you somewhat liked me.. but not all of that. I respect you so much. I dont want to hurt your feelings, HP.

that's me. but you won't tell me how it caught you off guard. i'm unaware of your feelings, because you haven't spoken with me, and i'm still in the dark. i would know if you told me. and you know what? i had a feeling you liked me. all i hear is how involved you are with thanh, but little of how involved you are with me. he's not the grunt of our situation, it's you and me in this ordeal.

and the respect, what have i done to earn it? i don't even know what it is you respect in me, and as far as my feelings are concerned, i've done enough on my own right, you can't hurt them much more.

and recently;

what did you expect me to do after you told me?

nothing. take my feelings and lock them away. they're safer kept out of the light.

it seemed as if you, jokingly but seriously, wanted to kinda say good bye..

not true. i wouldn't do such an outright thing at this point in my life. friends are precious and are few and far in between.

You wanted a response. You wanted a reaction.

response, maybe, with time. reaction, no.

A reaction? Its what you live for, isnt it?

i live for the moment, not the moment to come. reactions are all occurrences to an action, the latter of which i'm much more interested in.

You wanted to freak me out, take a risk, and see if your life would change..

i need stability in my life right now. i risked it, but i felt the need to. trust me, this isn't working out for me anymore than it is for you.

it being for the better, or worse. Didnt really matter to you, right. You'll move on.

life's biggest tragedy is life itself. instead of us feeling hurt about something worth aching over, we're feeling badly about something we have direct control over. i no longer do, but it's in your hands now. moving on is a requirement whether we feel it's time to or not, that's the reality, not the way i want it to be.

I still dont know what you want. I dont know how to be the same person dude. I dont. Dont hate me for it. I dont like myself that much right now. you put me in a wierd position. i still want to be friends.. but i dont know how.

i want you back as my friend. i'm sticking out my neck to make it happen with shaken heads along the way. maybe it's too much to ask for the same phung the first time around, BUT CHANGE IS IMMINENT AND UNAVOIDABLE. wouldn't you agree that we have these experiences that shape and make us who we are? that maybe our friendship had to have this fucking bump in the road? either it would rattle us apart or test our resolve, and as much water as i'm throwing off the ship to keep it afloat, it almost seems like you're ready to go overboard.

i don't hate you. i still like you. a lot. as a friend. you were my emotional dump off, and the reason you brought your issues to me is because i was equally effective as being yours. i was pretty hurt these past few days because i thought i effectively killed a good thing. you're not the only one in the weird position, but i'm moving out of it.

so here it is. questions answered, feelings revealed. regrets, desires, fulfillments, all laid bare.