make ammends

i'm going to email sandy. the infamous ex. the destroyer of dreams and hopes and.. well, that's all false, really. i'm going to email her and apologize. apologize for being a bad boyfriend, for not being there emotionally, for being the wrong things at the wrong times. i honestly couldn't have misstepped any worse, save for murdering her mom, setting her car ablaze, and having sex with her best friend. and to believe some people actually do those things, it's rather appalling.

but she reached out to me last year on my birthday. i ignored the email and went about my miserable existence, and thought how well i got over the situation, and how great it was to be set free. funny thing is, i never really got over how bad of a boyfriend i was, because i kept comparing myself to what i see from other boyfriends, jee, i was a shining example, a knight amongst the surfs! i always thought how much better of a boyfriend i would be to a lot of the girls i knew and met, thinking so highly of myself i went and printed myself a 'best bf in the universe' award.

sorry, blatant lie, i would never print such a thing, but i did hold myself highly in the regard of making a fantastic significant other.

then it hit me recently, how much of a lie all that was. i was a bad, negligent partner, and i'd make as lousy a boyfriend as they come. sure, i won't beat or maim or torture her, but she'll fall to the wayside, no less, and all the roses and all the beautiful dinners by the candlelight won't save that. i'm going to make ammends, and maybe i can show that i've grown up a little, maybe i can display that change is within my capacity.. maybe i can say i'm sorry for being to selfish and wrong, that it won't happen to whoever is next.

and maybe i can finally move on.