..fall without foliage.
I wonder if the coming of the fall has any significance to me at this point. The ending of a season ushered in by the death of those things we find beautiful surrounding us. The dying in itself is graceful and profound, very much unlike what we normally experience when things die.. which is usually something horrendously violent, grief-filled, desperate, and always with a helping of body fluids. Yummy.
[HA, thought I was going for something beautiful and poignant there, huh?]
So PHUNG, why with the hostility? Why would I, the gracious and friendly Hieu, ever be so damn mean? Is that what you want me to feel towards you? I think it's ridiculous, and if I were sober enough last night, I probably would've said something different besides 'my feelings are undeterred.' When I put myself out there the other night, it was about flipping the world the bird and going with it. Social obligations, friendship structure, etc. etc. I was throwing all that behind me and just doing what I know, which is conveying human emotion. Stripped down and pulled clean, and I fucking rock at it.
People don't know how to take me, and it's because they're afraid to connect on that level with me. I kid you not, they're afraid to see what I see and feel what I feel. It's beyond them, they'll never understand. But you tried, and I commend you for that. Maybe I like you because you tried, that you weren't so quick to come to terms with me being a philosophical asshole who wants to look at everything the opposite of everyone else. LAWL, you were even awesome at it.. kinda.. sorta. :D
Who knows, maybe you'll have the capacity to look past this and continue to be friends with me, so you said yourself. I'm not gonna try and act cool and say 'what happens, happens,' but Phung, it'd mean a whole lot to me if you tried.
And so, like the trees, which regrow their leaves after the harsh winter, I hope you can regain your confidence in time to see me in the same light you did before all this came down. Looking forward to our next heart to heart.
1 comments:
I understand what you are saying, but what I'm asking is.. what did you expect me to do after you told me? You even predicted beforehand that i MIGHT not be friends with you anymore.. it seemed as if you, jokingly but seriously, wanted to kinda say good bye.. it was weird, and I didnt like it. You wanted a response. You wanted a reaction. You couldnt figure out if i were going to be the person that would ONE: completely feel the same way you do.. or TWO: be predictable and like any other person, ignore you from now on becasue of awkwardness. is that what you were longing for? A reaction? Its what you live for, isnt it? You wanted to freak me out, take a risk, and see if your life would change.. it being for the better, or worse. Didnt really matter to you, right. You'll move on. Thats your motto. What isnt meant to be, will not be. and what is meant to be, will.
I still dont know what you want. I dont know how to be the same person dude. I dont. Dont hate me for it. I dont like myself that much right now. you put me in a wierd position.
i still want to be friends.. but i dont know how.
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