roflmao

when i said the one regret i had was getting you that game? i meant it. so stop being a cock fag.

in all honesty, you're not a good person. totally sober and clear of mind, and i've come to terms with it.

btw, my future wife:

cause there's no one to blame

i feel sorrow for the fear
and everything it brings
wonder if it will ever sleep

i know you understand
because you briefly look away
focusing on nothing
so now everything is clear

cause there's no one to blame
you got no place to hide
it's only in your mind

i saw you
in amazement
stumbling through the day
you told me time
never waits
what is that supposed to mean?

gun start callin dis 'videos from a.. video poser'?

Vietnam Preview from hieu on Vimeo.

click for the vid in HD [w00t]

i made her do it

and she liked it, yes she did.

so

my lack of attention towards my beloved blog doesn't have anything to do with the lack of love for said blog, but rather lack of motivation to write in the blog. that's a really stupid word, by the way, 'blog'. sounds like 'bog', which is a map in the game call of duty 4 [bestest game ever] and depicts some nasty sweltering dump of a marshy thing. like 'sex blog' sounds roughly as hot as an impaled penis on a stick.

unless you're into that sort of thing, then GET THE FUCK OUT.

now that we've removed the weirdo, i apologize to anyone to frequents this site on a semi-sorta-kinda-normal basis, as i've been in less need of therapy as of late and this was it. i picked up running, which i do a couple times a week. i mt. bike when it's warm. i play an ungodly amount of cod4, and it's made me forget about not having had a juicy vagina in over a year and a half to munch on. loser? meh, better to have a game run your life than an overtly hormonal and moody human, don't ya think? [just sometimes, hieu] school, and for once, i'm doing hw and the reading for the classes. i shock even myself.

so, life is swell. i could use a job, but it's not stupendously urgent. i'm not so much reaching for the stars at the moment, just the penthouse.

man..

i love you guys


and by love i mean skull fuck

love is what we need

love for a sunset. love for the sense of sight, sense to differentiate the different rays of visible light.

love for..

cali love

maybe i'm postponing my post on love..

or i'm disguising it within each post i write.

who knows?

hotel california

oh clueless :D

i'm waiting to find out myself, mate!

i'm afraid i have to postpone that post, i don't think i realized what i was writing at the time, because at one point, i was awake for about 48 hours straight, and it was very likely that was the point in which that was written.

but i can very well formulate my love for hotels at the moment. there's something very carnal about a place like hotels, something very fertile and sexy. prostitutes setup at hotels, secret rendezvous are carried out at hotels, manic sex is fulfilled at hotels and so forth.

a few years ago, my ex and i stayed at a hotel close to a racing event we were going to attend, and that whole night was nothing but sweet violent sex. we entered the hotel room kissing and within moments were on the bed having at each other. after we'd finish, we'd be back at it again and again and again.. that night was nothing but constant fucking, and it got to the point were cumming became physically painful and we just collapsed atop each other. well, not to be outdone, waking up in the middle of the night caught us both hungry for each other's privates and we'd have at it again. when we awoke in the morning, we'd have a round before breakfast and fondled each other on the way to the racetrack. my point is, that hotel allowed us to be so primal, it took our every wanton desire and let us go at it until our muscles cramped and our hormones screamed for moderation. my leg cramped a couple times, her neck was sore from a bobbing up and down, my tongue laid flat and lifeless along with my jaw, and countless other little injuries and ailments.

we stayed at another hotel the next day and the whole night was dedicated to the practice of the kama sutra. you'd swear our naughty bits were actually one and that we were some sort of weird siamese-non-relative-opposite-sex-twins we were fucking so much. i had her achilles imprinted on my collar bones and she had my teeth marks on her neck. we swapped so much fluid, a whole towel was dedicated to attempt to absorb it. then we had to call and get a another towel because we needed something to dry our bodies with after we got done fucking in the shower.

basically, the aura of hotels are undeniable. the fun to be had in them unmistakable. use the chance wisely, because back home, you have neighbors to consider.

what.. is.. love?

hieu will answer.

next week.

and you will accept hieu's opinion as fact.

or not.

hieu does not care what you do with his words.

as long as you don't contort them.

and if you do, hieu will be sad.

'tis the season to be jolly

[image unrelated]

the year is winding down, and in a few weeks, we move up a calendar number. 2007>2008. so what does it all mean? some people will scramble to see how this year went wrong and try to right it in 08. bullshit, i say. some people will claim this year a success and vow to keep it up in 08. bah, sure. some people will not care. hi! welcome to the world of realist! instead of counting your life in little increments, month to month, year to year, why isn't it all taken into a cumulative amount. i mean, if you're going to dig up the past year, why stop at 364 days? keep that counter going, bitch!

or why pick up this time to start a resolution? if you fail 2 months into it, are you going to wait another 10 months before you pick up your next failing? why not start right away? i hate the structure we live in sometimes. every few weeks, there's some sort of crap milestone or some redundant tradition we must participate in or be considered an outsider. easter. let's buy candy to celebrate the death/rebirth of jesus [doesn't that make him a zombie?]. christmas. throw our money away at gifts no one really wants and smiles and well wishes no one really cares for. valentines. well, no beef with valentines, i love the candy.

[^^ 'what? didn't you just rip on easter for candy?' yes, because it's irreverent to the death/rebirth of jesus. not to mention a fucking rabbit, what the hell does that have to do with anything? st. valentine was martyred for marrying couples that weren't allowed to be married, and martyrdom and candy goes hand in hand, duh]

anyway, i'm not trying to make any sort of counter-culture with my anti-holiday movement, because counter-culture then becomes the culture, and in turn needs a counter-culture to counter it, meaning like counter-counter-culture-counter. yeah, that makes plenty of sense. i'm just bitching because i'm seeing the miserable masses getting appeased by something as dumb and hollow as a little holiday with little to no meaning behind it. instead of finding happiness within themselves and those around them, they're forced to use this as a crutch. like prescribed medication to inhibit your moods and whatnot.

'never have someone as a priority when they have you as an option'

words to live by. consider it a lesson learned. you're not getting a thing out of me!

the subway diaries

so if i sold everything and went away

would you care?

if i disappeared without a trace without a word

would you search for me?

if i find love in the sea of hate

would you believe me?

if my heart shatters for you

would you respond?

if i died in the tragedy of life like you

would you console me?


[misunderstood?]

you ever wonder how many excuses you apply to your life at any given moment?

















because i'm fucking sick of it

le whores!

i <3 attention

psh. whatever, you only think i love your attention. it's a marvel to see what people are willing to do to capture it for an ADD-riddled moment. myspace is a prime example of how we suck as people. i have nothing new to add to the 'myspace sucks' argument, and i'll leave it at that.

but that's all it really is in essence, isn't it? a medium built for people to show off.. themselves. no redeeming qualities can really be found, just a lot of attention sluts one-upping each other in vying for your eyes. even when used as an advertising tool for the artists, it fails, because while it's a place for 'friends', it's really a place for 'memememememememe'. as a communication device it fails, because people are so caught up with themselves and their shit, messages and comments go unanswered

and the pictures. zomfgroflmao. i'm imagining the thought process of these shots.. and it scrambles my BRAIN. you'd think camera manufacturers would make it easy for people to understand the horrible, adverse effects of tungsten lighting, reflected surfaces, AND FOCUS. [end photo rant]

i can't go 5 minutes in life without having to run into ze undesirable people. school for example, contains an unholy amount of brown nosing hand raising asshats who must alwasy, ALWAYS show everyone else what they know. even common knowledge can't go unanswered, rhetorical questions get a lengthy explanation. it's like Capt. Obvious died and gave his legacy to everybody in the world, then Capt. Oblivious followed suit.

what happened to quiet, honorable dignity? to internal satisfaction?

i can't fucking compete-

and that's a good thing.

the anatomy of a freak FOUR<- because the last one didn't count

maybe i'm sociably awkward because i grew up in environments that didn't do jack shit to help them grow and prosper. i had that horrendous run-in with the family in texas where all i really got was a couple inches off my waist and a tongue-lashing for every wrongdoing i could manage. surely, anything would be an upgrade to that, right?

wrong.

it's hard to compress two years of my life into a few short paragraphs, but i don't really want to spend anymore time than i have to at this point. it's even hard to really look back upon it, because there's so much turmoil and such little resolution, it's the first dark age of my life.

things were hard from the beginning. everyone knew my tendencies for screwing up and everyone thought they had the fool-proof way of getting me to stop. my sister and her husband, well, theirs were the worse. second to no one, hands down psychological abuse was carried out and tested in that house. power trips and exertion of authority ran rampant with not a single roadblock to stop it.

i remember being grounded a lot. sure, it might sound like a laughing matter, but i can count the number of weekends that school year i wasn't grounded.. all on one hand. i couldn't play during the week. kids would come to my house and ask if i could go outside, my sister would answer the door with a resounding 'no'. the smallest fouls would have the refs sending flags flying all over the field.

my friend had a trip to the water park that i was looking forward to. planned a month in advanced, and i made extra sure to be careful as to not get grounded that week. the day before, i was told to vacuum the house, and after inspection, it was declared that i didn't vacuum my room. [cough] i did the whole house, let me count it; two stories, the living room, dining room, office, hallways, master bedroom, my room, guests room one and two, all the closets, and the mats in all the bathrooms. i would do all those, but skip out on my room, which is a mere 15x15 with a queen bed in the middle of it?

i was being falsely accused and had the only thing i was using to get me through taken away from me at the last moment. that water park signified salvation. that water park told me that maybe it's not so bad, maybe they're doing it for my own good and the lack of positive reinforcement is paying dividends.. but i was stupid and naive, and things got worse because at that point, maybe i saw that no matter what i did, i couldn't win.

my grades started to slip, and if it's possible, the punishments got more severe. my brother in-law actually forced me to set up the camcorder, and record myself doing homework for the entire duration of tape, until my sister got home from work. no lie, i sat at the table, with a camcorder transfixed on me, for three hours a day. monday-friday, i sat for three hours doing homework under the eye of my guardians.

with the passing weeks, my psyche declined as my grades rose. the fight in me was lost, the once defiant youngster was merely a facsimile of its former self, now one without much a soul and without meaning and without something, someone to make sense of it all. the world became a dark chasm without a light in the horizon.

and then one day, after school, i ran away from home.

the contrast is startling

life tends to offer startling contrast.. to what? to everything. our happiness, our hopes, our dreams, everything.

the things that are supposed to make us happy in turn are the things that drive us into the ground. i know you've heard it, 'the things we own in turn own us.'

i'm selling my carl zeiss glass. as nice as it is, juggling the ownership of the lens or seeing my friends this holiday, it's a nobrainer. i can always buy the lens, it'll always be there and be available, but living, breathing human beings are a touch more fleeting, especially when they take a liking to you :D

if you saw my camera list, you can easily see the tight spot it put me in for the amount of money i spent on it all. one thing led to another, and accumulation became the name of the game, seeing how much i can get rather than thinking of how i can create beautiful imagery with what i already have in my possession.

learning how to want, that's an amiable goal to have. being happy with what we have, that sounds like a nice way to live. loving life and not toiling with its intricacies too much, that's something to strive for.

in gawd we trust

i needz money for chaunauka and kwanzaa. anyone want to front me moolah?

i don't have a picture for this

but godamnit, i'm going to more black parties.

body weavin' bumpin' grindin'

the juice was week, and the dj was.. bad.

but the people. standard north philly basement. no more than 20ft wide, 100ft in length, FILLED to the brim with bodies. and when you get than many bodies in one room exerting all that energy, it fills up like a sauna and before you know it, you're sweating from head to toe, your thighs burn because that girl your dancing with makes it insistent that she try to impregnate herself with her clothes on and you're pushing back so hard, you start to chafe.

and it's all night. next song, you move on. the bitch clowns you, you move on. fight your way through the crowd, so much contact you swear its molestation is the lowest form. you move on. slide right up behind a girl and start bumpin' away, and if she's feelin' you, it's on for the next 5 minutes, you're her man. fucking with your clothes on, that's what it looks like. you're against the wall, her ass digging so far into your crotch, it's deep penetration without the penetration. she's bent over, a lyrical doggy-style going down.

you take a seat, and someone will come sit on your lap, grind away as the beat goes and the record skips, because hey, the dj is sub par. but even in those 5 seconds of silence, she keeps going as if it never stopped. she goes like it got louder.

and on and on..

big sky

something with the setting sun that connects you to your soul.

shhhh, don't ruin the moment with philosophical babble, hieu!

just know you feel at peace.. ahhhhh, that's nice :D

UGH

apologies end here. questions end here. snapshot, this is it. silver bromide set into the emulsion of the film, exposed, finished. no going back, because life has no reverse.

reaching a lil here;

if you didnt expect me to do anything, how did you expect YOURSELF to feel?

well, when you showed some positive feedback after i left, i felt great. i thought that we were going to be fine that things were going to go along as they were. then the bottom came out from underneath my feet.

Thanh and I have been together for almost 4 years. If it were 4 months, that would have been different.

how would it have been different? i conceded to your relationship with him, and wanted nothing to change on your end. had the letter still remained, i made my position more than known.

I complain about him alot, I know. Maybe i shouldnt have complained to you.

maybe you should, because it makes me aware of the situation in your life, which is what i'm ultimately concerned with in this ordeal.

Maybe I wasnt ready for such a confession, in such little time we've known each other. It caught me off guard SO much, you dont even know. I guess I had a feeling that you somewhat liked me.. but not all of that. I respect you so much. I dont want to hurt your feelings, HP.

that's me. but you won't tell me how it caught you off guard. i'm unaware of your feelings, because you haven't spoken with me, and i'm still in the dark. i would know if you told me. and you know what? i had a feeling you liked me. all i hear is how involved you are with thanh, but little of how involved you are with me. he's not the grunt of our situation, it's you and me in this ordeal.

and the respect, what have i done to earn it? i don't even know what it is you respect in me, and as far as my feelings are concerned, i've done enough on my own right, you can't hurt them much more.

and recently;

what did you expect me to do after you told me?

nothing. take my feelings and lock them away. they're safer kept out of the light.

it seemed as if you, jokingly but seriously, wanted to kinda say good bye..

not true. i wouldn't do such an outright thing at this point in my life. friends are precious and are few and far in between.

You wanted a response. You wanted a reaction.

response, maybe, with time. reaction, no.

A reaction? Its what you live for, isnt it?

i live for the moment, not the moment to come. reactions are all occurrences to an action, the latter of which i'm much more interested in.

You wanted to freak me out, take a risk, and see if your life would change..

i need stability in my life right now. i risked it, but i felt the need to. trust me, this isn't working out for me anymore than it is for you.

it being for the better, or worse. Didnt really matter to you, right. You'll move on.

life's biggest tragedy is life itself. instead of us feeling hurt about something worth aching over, we're feeling badly about something we have direct control over. i no longer do, but it's in your hands now. moving on is a requirement whether we feel it's time to or not, that's the reality, not the way i want it to be.

I still dont know what you want. I dont know how to be the same person dude. I dont. Dont hate me for it. I dont like myself that much right now. you put me in a wierd position. i still want to be friends.. but i dont know how.

i want you back as my friend. i'm sticking out my neck to make it happen with shaken heads along the way. maybe it's too much to ask for the same phung the first time around, BUT CHANGE IS IMMINENT AND UNAVOIDABLE. wouldn't you agree that we have these experiences that shape and make us who we are? that maybe our friendship had to have this fucking bump in the road? either it would rattle us apart or test our resolve, and as much water as i'm throwing off the ship to keep it afloat, it almost seems like you're ready to go overboard.

i don't hate you. i still like you. a lot. as a friend. you were my emotional dump off, and the reason you brought your issues to me is because i was equally effective as being yours. i was pretty hurt these past few days because i thought i effectively killed a good thing. you're not the only one in the weird position, but i'm moving out of it.

so here it is. questions answered, feelings revealed. regrets, desires, fulfillments, all laid bare.

a boy without mischief is like..

..fall without foliage.

I wonder if the coming of the fall has any significance to me at this point. The ending of a season ushered in by the death of those things we find beautiful surrounding us. The dying in itself is graceful and profound, very much unlike what we normally experience when things die.. which is usually something horrendously violent, grief-filled, desperate, and always with a helping of body fluids. Yummy.

[HA, thought I was going for something beautiful and poignant there, huh?]

So PHUNG, why with the hostility? Why would I, the gracious and friendly Hieu, ever be so damn mean? Is that what you want me to feel towards you? I think it's ridiculous, and if I were sober enough last night, I probably would've said something different besides 'my feelings are undeterred.' When I put myself out there the other night, it was about flipping the world the bird and going with it. Social obligations, friendship structure, etc. etc. I was throwing all that behind me and just doing what I know, which is conveying human emotion. Stripped down and pulled clean, and I fucking rock at it.

People don't know how to take me, and it's because they're afraid to connect on that level with me. I kid you not, they're afraid to see what I see and feel what I feel. It's beyond them, they'll never understand. But you tried, and I commend you for that. Maybe I like you because you tried, that you weren't so quick to come to terms with me being a philosophical asshole who wants to look at everything the opposite of everyone else. LAWL, you were even awesome at it.. kinda.. sorta. :D

Who knows, maybe you'll have the capacity to look past this and continue to be friends with me, so you said yourself. I'm not gonna try and act cool and say 'what happens, happens,' but Phung, it'd mean a whole lot to me if you tried.

And so, like the trees, which regrow their leaves after the harsh winter, I hope you can regain your confidence in time to see me in the same light you did before all this came down. Looking forward to our next heart to heart.