yeesh

the mind is a freaky thing.


learning how to tame it.. is a challenge, to say the least.

the heart's a fragile thing

take out an artery, and you're done.

i've been thinking back a little bit, with my experiences in life thus far, and the thing i seem really deficient in is the lack of personal relationships. immediately after sandy, my epic-ex, there was kayla. shit, sandy was still living with me when kayla and i hooked up.. or should i say, kayla hooked me, line and sinker.

the night we hung out, we went to the beach and chatted. it was funny, the car ride there seemed so distant, but as soon as we hit the beach- BAM- it was on. after the tumultuous ending of sandy and i, she was the most refreshing thing, exaclty what i needed to absolutely get back on my feet. she fell into every ideal, nothing was there for me to really fault her on.

and when we kissed, it was amazing. after kissing the same lips for over 2 years, hers felt infinitely softer. after meaningless makeout sessions that droned on for the past year, this connection felt so genuine and true that i was.. falling in love.

it takes a lot to write that, because i was at such a weakened state. she had me in the palm of her hands, and before i knew it, it was gone. i was left with my heart in my hands after having just given it to her. maybe that's why i'm so weary about it happening again, because thought it wasn't anything devastating, it wasn't fun. it's so important finding out the intentions, so that if it is a time-bomb, i can lessen the impact of the blast.

and so, i fell too easily, and i can't help it, i just wanted to love, and love is all i wanted in return.

the story hasn't changed since. i'm still searching for that elusive girl to call my own.

~

You build atomic bombs, wage wars, murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it is for our own good.

yet we're the criminals.

hack

there's a distinct difference between barry bonds homerun record chase and brett farve's claim as top td slinger thus far in the nfl.

the san fran giants sacrificed everything for bond's hr record. they have the worst record in their division and have has losing seasons as of late. instead of building a winning team, they built a team that milks the publicity of a steroid induced cheater. everyone outside of san fransisco despises barry bonds. the man came into the league weighing in at less than 190lb, and he ballooned to 245lb+ late in his career, over a 2 year span. if that's not indication enough of how much doping he's been doing, maybe it's the fact that his head grew an astronomical amount. rick reilly of SI asked when he's inducted into the hall of fame, will they make his head on his bust a size 7 1/2 [size it was when he entered the league] or the 8 1/2 it resides at now.

he was gonna make it to the hall of fame even before he started on his performance enhancing ways, so why overdo it, barry? sit down, you sucked what purity remained in the lame lame game of baseball.

and brett farve, on the other hand.. man, what a player. started every game for the last, i dunno, 70 years for the packers. tied dan marino's td record, which sits at 420 as i type. it's kind of a cold reality, because peyton manning will eclipse whatever mark farve gets to. but you see the manner in which farve accomplishes this feat; the packers have absolutely no run game and the receivers, beyond driver and jennings, hardly much of a receiving corp, and a porous o-line.

but his energy is outstanding. he goes onto the field and with that energy, gives it to his players. they feed off of him, and what was to be a bum green bay packers, is one-of-two teams in the nfc standing at 3-0 [along with them 'boys].

so, while bonds is a hack who will be practically shunned because of the way in which he got the record, farve will lavish in it, because he did it with integrity and a love for the game.

you athletes remember the latter? love of the game, do it because you can't see yourself doing anything else while you still can.

i'm le tired

you know, i think the reason i don't write in a personal journal is.. because i'm an attention whore.

'look at me! look at me! i WRITE things! yaaaaay!'

psh, yeah, whatever, totally lame. the past month has been a fun exercise in writing, cause if you looked, i averaged about 4 posts a month.. once a week. not much at all, and i have thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head all day. things i just wished i put down on paper or through the computer.. but nothing ever came of it. i know a lot of my post this month have been.. for lack of a better term, utter shit, but at least i came and put something down. before, it was 'brilliant thought!' with absolutely no follow-through.

but i got better at it.. well, a little better anyway.

and you may have noticed some steamy subjects. in all honesty, i wish i could put more of them up. this post comes to mind. i can't help myself really, my personality and they way i present myself.. it's all sexually charged. harmless for the most part [except for anal-wednesdays], and i just like to have fun with it. you know, i don't get ass every day [or any for the last year], so if its my perverse release, then damn it, get out of the way. it might be messy.

and sure, that stuff can be a little personal, and it may be too much info, but man, it feels great putting it out there, along with anything else i feel proud of. my pictures, i love them, and i'm sure everyone can find one they love, too, of the hundreds i have posted. my topics? something for everyone, every once in a while. methodical, philosophical, personal, comical, sexual.. it's all there. the ranges are all there, and it helps show who i am.

and thanks. i know the readership is smaller than anything floating around on the web, but to know at least one person comes on here is great. thanks youri. thanks phung. thanks nimmie. and sometimes, thanks lindsay. i know brady used to come on here, and even though we don't talk anymore, thanks [jerk].

[edit]
image.. now has the 'nike' 'leave nothing' motto.. i'm pathetic, i know :P

i feel all flowery

despite the fact that i just learned some heinous things about my family.

a haunting

you know, we're not capable of seeing everything. it's not possible, really. those who love to keep up with the celebrity gossip or world's current affairs.. they're clueless. they're looking out to keep from looking in. gnaw on that. [why is 'gnaw' spelled with a 'gn'?]

you know, you can spend an entire lifetime exploring your immediate surroundings.. and you may never, ever be able to figure it out. your immediate family, your closest friends.. what are they in essence? i do not know. they're interaction pieces, all pawns in your game of chess. a game you play with everyone, and who knows what the next move will be?

the world's deep, dark secrets? they're nothing compared to the ones floating around you.

1 h8 m47h0RZ

but i love boobies

eiomton

i read somewhere that if you mix up the interior letters of a word, you can still read it. we're apparently trained to do so. i would attempt to do it right now, but.. i'd probably lose the essence of what i'm trying to write about right now.

anyway, if you had trouble with that word up there.. it's 'emotion'. i get emotional over everything.. looking at this picture gets me all emotional.


i look at the flower, and it makes me feel all warm inside. it takes me to an older time when i was surrounded by foliage and cool autumn air. i can't help but get a smile from the nostalgia i feel, it's conducive of the image, you know? the feeling of happiness just overflow, because the changing on the seasons almost seems like a changing of the guard in a sense. out with the old, in with the new! and it'll be oh so beautiful when the leaves start to turn.

did you know that foliage is actually better to photograph in overcast, rainy days? it saturates the leaves, giving them more pop. good to know.

then there are images of tragedy and pain.


i wonder what happened to it? i'm pretty sure my cat got to it.. but i was drawn to the idea, not so much the image. i was watching something on ww2 today, and the site of dead bodies everywhere.. that's something to behold. life is so precious to us.. it's just hard to imagine it gone in that instant. one moment, you're alive and ticking, next thing, you're slumped over, done.

and death is one of those tricky things. you never know when it's going to happen, and it's a little disheartening. i have a hard time coping with it and have so many varied opinions on it. depends on when you ask me; most the time, i feel life's too short and unpredictable for us to live it in the opposite manner. plan for the worst, hope for the best y'all! as if. people tell me to stop playing and get on with my life; if i stop playing and start setting up for my life, then i'm playing the cards that i'm gonna make it past a point long enough to reap the benefits.

thing is, i'm really bad at gambling, so i sorta live for the moment, do what i please whenever it pleases me. it's unorthodox in this family and weird considering my upbringing stressed the opposite of what it is i'm doing.. but you know, if i died tomorrow on their path, i wouldn't have done the things i've done, and that's a sad note to leave on.

and those people, what if they thought the same thing?

'shit, i never got to change the lives around me for the better'

'damn, i never asked her out'

'i never made it to europe, africa, the asias..'

i want to limit the 'things to say before i die' to as little as possible.

but you know, sometimes, all you need for peace in your soul is the sight of something beautiful to quiet the rumblings.. stop thinking. just do what feels right, and all will be right with you.

YO SON

lighten up, nigga. life's too short to be all mad and shit.

but it's kinda too short to be messing around all the time, too. i don't get what it is with me and being how i am; lazy, unmotivated, lack of passion.

HIEU, WAKE UP.

where's that ever smiling child with hopes and dreams so big, anne frank would feel inadequate? you know, that kid with that glean in his eyes and a face that looks to have the sun forever shining upon it? you know what happened to him? he was here not too long ago.

HIEU, GET UP.

the kid with the aspirations. you know, those aspirations of changing the world and having his face on a box of wheaties or some corny shit like that. i'm telling you, that kid was as free as the birds..

HIEU, COME ON, MOVE.

..or was he? kinda did seem like the weight of the world would rests on your shoulders when you want to change it. but maybe the kid realized some things. maybe he realized that just saying these things won't bring them about. maybe he realized that the world is a truly cruel, cruel place, and that brought him under.

HIEU, HURRY THE FUCK UP, WE HAVE TO GO.

but maybe the kid was just waiting. waiting for what? waiting for the most opportune time to pounce, because even if the world is cruel and unfair, he has the innate advantage of peering through it and still smile in the face of adversity, and hell or high water bearing nazis can't bring him down.

HIEU, PLEASE, FOR YOUR SAKE.

but the kid is still hiding, apparently, doesn't think its time to come out yet. a shame really, people might be able to learn a thing or two from him. but what's causing him to hide? what's keeping him from showing his brilliance?

HIEU..

you crazy kids!!

stop swimming in them trees! yous gonna break yo face fo christs sakes!

oh nos el toros

you dropped your pocket

night time sky

you pretty much have to blow it up to see it.

just like people.

save the world

The feeling is of nothing that can be described by someone of my standing. Maybe the great authors of our time can weave a tale that emulated the emotions which practically bleed from the situation.

The situation itself.. I can’t even describe, something so basic in nature, so careful in its execution, so nurturing in its meaning.. Perplexes the mind, calms the soul.

I wouldn’t have enough room in this space to free what I felt. Give me all the space in the world, all of our universe, our cosmos, with its every expansive space showing absolutely no end, showing the infinite of all infinity, and I wouldn’t have the capacity to tell you how I felt what I felt.

No metaphor could possibly do the subject justice, even if it were piled atop each other and melted and combined. It couldn’t hold a candle to this feeling. And if you tried, it’d be as inadequate as anything you could think up.

And as inadequate as I may be, I’ll give it a shot, because I have to. I rekindled the feeling, so it’s my duty to make sure it remains so.

She was leaving. It didn’t pain me to watch her go, but out of courtesy, I tailed to say goodbye. We hugged our last hug.. When our bodies embraced each others, something came out of me. From the bottom of my stomach, it felt, it erupted through my body like a live geyser. I grasped her tightly and she followed. Our souls locked into place and began to rejoice as we held fast and our lips met.

In that moment, time stopped. All that mattered was that we had each other, and nothing could taint that; not the problems plaguing my life, the issues in our world, not even impending or imminent death could remove me from where I was, because it rendered everything perfect. In that moment, love conquered all, and we were the epitome of all that is right in the world.

This love, untainted by greed, selfishness, and lust poured like a fountain without end, dancing and swirling around us as to clutch the moment and keep it on hold, because it lasted a lifetime, maybe two. The sun pierced the impenetrable clouds, and we were elevated for all to see, and if god’s plan all along was to make us the gleaning, glistening example of what love should be. And even if I’m wrong, my heart tells me it’s right, I’m right, and she tells me it’s right without ever uttering a single word.

it hurts me

that he's hurt

do you like dags?

yeah i like 'dags'

but i like caravans even more

grow a thick foundation

from which to growwwwwwwwwwww

jump jump jump, everybody jump

i said everybody

you gotta be kidding me

swimming at night? after midnight?

are you really that surprised?

orly?

despite some of my crazy behavior, i'm quite a boring person. that's why i think any relationship i'll get into, will be a labor of 'i'm booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored hieu.'

f'realz. and to make matters worse, i'm into chicks who have dicks [someone else's] and those who have about as much in common with me as michael jackson has with the human anatomy.. after my ex, anyway. i like.. the unattainable. maybe it's my soul telling me that i will be alone forever and ever.

but it doesn't know that there's a viet wife lurking around the corner.

complicated much? advice from the human guru: 2: the sequal: it's pretty ridiculous

so, when do you say enough is enough? how much do you alter yourself and who you are to cling onto the one whom you love so much? life is a metamorphosis, isn't it? i know i don't show the same side of myself to my parents that i show to my friends.. and i'm sure whatever side you show your signature other isn't the same side you show to your secret lover. come on, what would your bf/gf think of you if you pulled out a buttplug attached to a drill? the lover wouldn't judge, they just want to use it after you're done.

but how far do you drag your name in the mud? how many redundant sacrifices do you make in the name of love? and is it even love after a while? what is it really? think.. LOVE.

you know what love to me is?

it's the feeling of exploration. like when lewis and clark when they set out explore america, i too am going over uncharted territories to discover what's beyond the surface. i'm clearing away the cobwebs of your soul and setting foot onto the mountain that is your being.

love is the intimacy of our touch, with each and every subtle caress sending lightening bolts through our bodies, every nerve sizzling with anticipation and every piece of hair standing on end.

just a couple examples of love..

but love is not, i repeat, is NOT, the taking advantage of one's soul in the sake of your advancement, and visa versa.

love is NOT something you turn on and off, it's there or it's not. i have a dick, if i didn't, well, i wouldn't be getting a genuine prosthesis, would i?

love definitely is not something you intimately share with others. everyone enjoys being fellatciated and cunnlingis.. ated, sure, who doesn't like to let out a nut every now and again.. but does it mean surreptitiously going about and letting yourself go? if the love is there, then you shouldn't have to go around sticking/get stuck behind that person's back.

i'd feel betrayed.. and inadequate. but since i know i'm not the latter, it must be a huge issue with the former. if trust is ever an issue.. then trust might always be an issue. the reason i'm so crazy about this is because i believe loyalty is.. huge, absolutely huge. i had a long distance relationship for a year and a half, and sleeping around was never, ever a problem.

and if you're feeling like you need to get ass outside of your relationship, and think you're in love.. in my book, you're a big, fat, despicable liar.

you're not supposed to show that side to the one you love..

and that's when you're out of love. when everything is on autopilot, and no one is really at the helms. you've stepped into the monotony of a stale relationship that offers, if nothing else, something to hang onto.. but is it worth it? is the uneventful trip that you're leading yourself through really worth the time and the energy? what time you lose, will never be returned. and are you willing to risk it for an investment that may never pay the same returns that it did in the beginning?

maybe i'm asking myself these questions.. because i know i did it.

but hey, everything is a matter of perception, baby. and your love.. who knows. it may involve buttplugs and monotony. but if the buttplugs and monotony aren't doing it anymore, is it worth doing?