MEOW

and why i can't roll around in the grass with him is absolutely beyond me..

represent

zoom zoom

[blink]

life comes and goes

i was talking to my cousin, and she told me she wanted grandmom to be around for her wedding. i suppose it's sad when someone dies, but i don't know too much about that, i wasn't close to her..
but i know she was in pain after she broke her leg. i remember the car ride home, every swerve, every bump sent ripples of agony through her body. and after she got home.. i dunno, i wasn't around, but i heard her spirits were down. you know, after 83 years, you become tired.

and so, she left us. i don't feel sad, i feel glad for her, because she's done with the suffering. i smiled while in temple today, because we should really be feeling sad, not for those who have died, but for those of us who are still living.

she isn't suffering anymore.. but you can be damn sure that we certainly are.

puttin' in work, son

i'm on the grind

still got my money on my mind
and it
seems like i'm runnin' out of time
that's when i'm goin' on the grind

masta ace

you ever looked at someone's work, and blurt out how talented and skilled they were? some works are just absolutely incredible, right? and when you dig a little, you see it's been an interest in their lives since they were younger, and it blossomed out to something beautiful.

i want to be that. not so much for peoples admiration and praise [that's nice, too], but because i personally want to be something incredible..

and that's gonna take some work, son!

last time i did this-

-i was dressed at a chicken and had some dignity
_please_click_here

yeah, it's like that. i abhor relationships at this point in my life. can't see myself dealing with the games, the drama, the bullshit. and for what? the little bit of happiness you experience in the beginning? the connecting? the lovey-dubby bullshit?

sure, you may think the lack of action is talking, but i've been single long enough to realize the difference, and experienced enough up to this point to know what i'm working with. my ideals and my ideas just don't match up with the general public for the most part, and that creates tectonic shifts in the search for 'love'. hell, my friends don't even appeal to me as people anymore as i get on with the passing days.

[sigh]

i can't even talk to people about my thoughts i get them so lost.

..

i almost left my heart in vietnam..

but don't cry my dear, i'll be back, i swear it.

me be away a while

and i got another one. i bought this card for like 90 a couple of years ago, and i got one today for 15.

gonna see if i can fill both of them up in 3 weeks.

it can be done.

i have this crazy fantasy that terrorists are going to overtake the plane, and i save the day, but die in the process, making me an international hero. that'd be so awesome, i'd be the talk of the world for all of 3 days, then nothing. then i snap out of it then tell myself to get real, that shit doesn't happen :D

tell all yo friends

please?

it's going down

yeah, am i cool or what?

advice from the human guru: lesson 1.2

these things i speak of, relationships, are many things, but i'm only here to focus on the negative at the moment. why? maybe because i'm bitter and don't want anyone else to be happy..

NOT

it's more like these personal lovey dubby relationships are the destroyer of lives and my mission is to minimize what damage the death star does to your ecosystem. you see, we all have many lives, many personalities, and many souls, in which everyone we know gets a different version of each. no one person has the same outlook on you as another, it's just improbable. so, keeping that in mind..

TIP NUMERO TRE: don't ever forget your single friends

because if you do, you'll lose them. now you have a commonality with friends who are in a relationship and everyone can get together and life is peachy. but the world for your single friends is a dark place, because remember all the time you spent with them when none of you weren't getting any action? well, now it's all devoted to the new love of your life.

'that's preposterous! i still got love for the homeboys/homegirls!'

well, maybe you do, but you're not showing it. they're the ones that always back you up, always will be there, though the relationship you're in will indeed falter and die a miserable death, and who will you turn to if you've abandoned them? the ex? it's never, EVER smart to chose the relationship over the truly good friends, because if anyone knows you, it's the friend. and i've seen it plenty of times where the friend-in-love will turn such a cold shoulder, it's as if you've arrived in siberia in the middle of the winter.

'but i don't fuck my friends!'

the fucked up do, but that's besides the point. you can show your true personality to your friends, as the relationship requires you give and take, because most relationships DON'T allow you to be nearly as open for fear of turning them away. and who wants the source of their carnal pleasures be turned away? but the sacrifice is that you won't be as comfortable around that person as you will with your buddies.

to me, it's a no-brainer, but it happens all the time. i had to tell my ex to leave the fucking house to see her friends. do i have to tell you to go out and repair your severed relationships before you're stuck with nobody but your hands and some baby oil?

your bond with your friends WILL weaken, it's up to you to determine how far it goes, and whether you'll let the chains snap.

advice from the human guru: lesson UNO.UNO

doesn't she look like a pirate? ARRRR MATEY! STICK YOUR PEG LEG UP MY CUNTER!

relationships are brutal. they don't last, they wear down your psyche, and when it's all said and done, you're reduced to a pile of rubble we once referred to as human. they're mentally and physically exhaustive, but the latter is usually much, much more enjoyable.. unless, you're being abused because you picked up the wrong tampons with a cardboard application instead of the new nifty plastic jawns that slide in with the ease.. but enough about brady and youri, i'm here to tell you the truths of relationships and why you shouldn't expect so much.. actually, you shouldn't expect anything at all, except pain INSIDE your anus when it's finally over.

1st tip: human beings are UNPREDICTABLE

no matter how much cuddling and talking a couple may do in the early stages of a relationship, one constant is this: no matter how much intel you gather, no matter how much soul searching you did with your loved one, it's likely you do not fully understand yourself, much less the complex being that you insert your privates into/upon.

i cannot stress this first point enough, because though you may know one's tendencies and habits, you do not know what drives their thought process, nor will you ever know. SO GIVE IT UP. don't come whining to me about how your mate is so unpredictable and how you thought you knew them.

'ZOMG, i can't believe he stuck it in my ass, wtf mate? he knows i have poop problems!!!!1!'

'oh noes, man, she wouldn't let me watch football, even after that rimjob i gave her!'

because, key word here is 'thought'. you 'thought' you knew them, but you don't know them any better than they know you. and those were just the superficial uncertainties you encounter in a relationship, we're not even touching on the basis of cheating/abusing/confused sexuality that many become perplexed with.

so stop playing shrink and just go with it for allah's sake, you'll spend that extra brainpower on how you should incorporate a cucumber and thousand islands dressing on kinky-sex-night-wednesday.

2nd tip: know when to stop arguing

this is arguably [haha, get it? argue, arguably? i'm a riot!] the one thing that will cut stress out of your relationship; just stop. be the bigger human, just cut it out. the amount of 'love' one feels for their fellow partner is of no use when a third of the time is spent bickering. bickering is for couples too cowardly to split up, then they get into a long and painful marriage that resembles the sequence in 'reservoir dogs' when the cops gets his ear sliced off; though the act may indeed be offscreen, you're still left without a right ear while screaming, no, begging for mercy.

if you encounter this in your relationship, realize that if you can't get past the pubes in the soap or the fact we forget to put the seat down, you're gonna split your wig over the things that really matter; life, liberty, and the pursuit of porn.. or some shit like that. this constant war will cause you both to lose your sanity and you're only going to look stupid when you're arguing in the supermarket about how you prefer breyer's over edy's/dreyers.

so, stressing about his dingleberry picking habits/her menstrual blood hand paintings? then pack your bags, because you're only delaying the inevitable. and think of the kittens you just saved.

that's all i have for tonight, but if you run into a snag not listed here [which, by god, you will], do what mickey in 'snatch' did after his mother got toasted like an english muffin; get completely hammered until you have alcohol poisoning, therefore schlepping your emotions to some underage high schooler undeserving of whatever you're about to dish out. ONE LOVE!

thou shall not..

..use poetry, art, or music to get in girls pants..

..use it to get into their heads.

because, man, what a waste THAT is for vagina.

i don't imagine too many people going that route, though. maybe i should try it.. or not.

but people do have techniques they use to lure the opposing sex, veils to cover their true intentions [most the time]. and sometimes, it's a shame when it all comes down to vying for a piece of ASS without any intentions of truly connecting. i don't believe in it, it's too.. immature, not even primitive.

i haven't gotten me a piece of the pie since.. august 31, 2006. almost 8 months. some of my peers would be furious, pulling out all the stops. like me peers, i enjoy the lust that comes with having a relationship, but by no means necessary am i going to deface my name and reputation for something so insignificant.

if i sound self-important, forgive me; i am. i stand for many things, a couple of them being integrity and honesty. i will not stand down to the ever falling standards in society, nor am i going to cop out of my beliefs because you deem them odd and/or weird. i truly feel that i do all in my power to not fold to peer pressure, because i myself do not like my life dictated by anyone other than myself. maybe, just maybe, by my example, i can pump some fucking decency back into a culture so filled with vile content and ass-backwards logic on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, that people will open their eyes and see that life is more than what mtv tells us it is.

open your eyes, and your heart and soul will follow.

happy happy joy joy

I ran a little test today, i asked people i know one thing, just one thing;

what makes you happy?

And boy, what an uproar that caused with some. I wanted to see what responses i got, all the while not knowing what to expect. I thought of the usual things people would say; food, shopping, tv, games, etc. etc. others shot back stating that you can't answer that question, it's much too complex with many variables such as weather, the alignment of the moon with mars and venus, and whether they're on their period or not.. ok, maybe i made that last part up, BUT, we have a dilemma, folks, and it's the fact that we do not know what makes us truly happy. Or we think that happiness is some external entity that dictates when and where we feel it.

Weather? Uncontrollable in any form, unless you count a butterfly's wing flap in australia causing a tornado in texas control. So, the theory goes; if it snows/cloudy/cold/hails/rains pure nuclear acid, we're to feel bad and act on it as if it's a bad day? Who wrote this shit? Is that why philly is so stooped in misery? Because it rains/snows a quarter of the year [probably more]? Here, let me post the whole message so you can see what i'm trying to deal with:

hef: what makes you happy?

Someperson: huh? As in what?

H: it's a simple question. What makes you happy?

S: no, it's not that simple. There are certain elements of life that require different levels of happiness, like life, love, work, friends, weather, etc. now if you need advice, then tell me.

H: you're missing the point, but thanks.

So, do i need advice on how to be happy? Am i, who all along thought i was gleefully running about in my life, need advice on how to live and deal with, uh, life, love, friends, work, and weather?

But while that was the longest non-answer i received, plenty of people chimed back with the simple things;

SomeOtherPerson: food, money, and having fun.

RandomGuy: weekends, summer nights, friends, family, cars, playing games, laying in the shade, driving, car shows, food, california..

Dude: life i guess

HumanMale: a stress-free life, perhaps?

HotBloodedWoman: sleep

FemmeFatale: ..thoughtful things people do, when a man acts with chivalry, animals, music, spending time with my family. Good food makes me really happy, i even do a little dance in my chair if it's really good.. you?

Whoa whoa whoa, i'm asking the question here!

But what makes me happy? After all, i'm asking all these people, have i formulated my answer?

I would have to say that my answer would coincide very much with Dude's answer; life.

I mean, hell, i left class today, walked out of the building, and LAUGHED at NOTHING. Maybe i was laughing at myself, maybe i was laughing because i'm mentally unstable with a hint of psychosis, maybe i was laughing because i was part of a hysterical joke in which no one knew the punchline.. or maybe it's because in that moment, i realized i was alive, and with that realization ripped a lightning bolt through my body that confirmed it. It was a fantastic energy and a smile came onto my face that wasn't easily wiped off, like a sharpie drawn on while you were passed out drunk.

So, my happiness is within life, with all its trials and tribulations, all its glorious victories and joyous moments, and everything and anything that comes to it. I know it sounds overly presumptuous to say such things in light of tragedies that occur on a daily basis with billions of species suffering across the world.

But haven't you learned? Life is suffering. And that's a topic i guess i'll touch on another, day as micheal jackson says with the kiddies at neverland ranch..

THE HEARTZ

there's something to be said of the human condition.. i'm just not qualified to say them. i don't want to mislead anyone by givng them my half-baked view on humanity and it's paradox.

but the soul, the heart, that i can speak of, because it's the only thing within me that sees with true, blissful clarity. it sees through all, and yet is blind to all, because within it lies me. within your heart lies me, as within mine lies you. my heart and soul feel for your's as your's feels for mine, no matter it be hatred or pure unadulterated love, or something in between. i'm shaped by you as all matter is shaped by me, we're all one being forever interacting and connecting and living and dying.

and i love it. i love you. i love everything around me, and as ignorant as that statement may be, it's the truth. i love not only the pleasurable moments, i love the suffrage i feel as well, because that's life, and it's to be had, and within every moment lies yet another, and how can you not have love for that?

i've shunned away useless knowledge in place of true feelings, as that is what will guide me through the rest of my life. knowledge will not tell me how to live, nor will it tell me how to die, but my feelings will never lie to me, they'll just pull me along without bias and without predetermined conclusions brought about by societies lack of compassion for the heart and soul.

and with that, i bid you adieu for now, as life beckons to be with people, people i will imprint myself upon, and receive the same in return. my soul is yearning to meet yours, will you not let down your guard?

time

time is a funny issue. what're your views? not enough hours in a day? too often crawls? flies by?

what about the definition of time? according to some numbers, i've been in existence for over 21 years. what's a year? 365 days, 366 in a leap year, which occurs every 4 years. so.. is life measured in incremental increases of these 'years'?

that was a bad year, that was a good year, that was a mediocre year.. i hear it a lot, after the bell tolls and the calendar reads JAN 1, 'how was your year?' does it make chronicling our lives up to that point easier? or is it a mental block that allows us to forge ahead and make the most of our time by using it as a mechanism to put away the past?

guess it depends on who you ask.

but when people ask me, i kind of sigh and try to move on; my life is lived in stages, i don't take notice of the years. last year is but a mere continuation of my life to this point, not something shelved away systematically, i'm still living it. and who's to say it was anything but a year, a numerical aspect attempting to simplify the craziness in which we're surrounded? 365 days of good, of bad, of everything.

people look at me a little crookedly and try not to think too much of it. i have this whole viewpoint of life in the now. i worry for tomorrow as much as i worry for yesterday; it's not a whole lot. people feel secure in knowing that they've planned out a future for themselves; i ask how can you be secure in a psychological lie? why, if we're alive now, why not take advantage of it and enjoy it while you have it? what's worrying about events set 10 years into the future, when whatever preconceived notions you had about that time will be 100% wrong?

people are supposed to live into their 70s, no sweat in america, but i'm not content in living within the averages. i'm 21, why would i plan for retirement when there's no guarantee that i'll make it into my 30s? don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those people that swear they're going to croak before they're 30 because of their 'fast and furious' lifestyle, i'm just someone who's much more focused about what's occurring at this very moment, because these keys being depressed underneath my fingers, the fatboy slim playing through my speakers, the chill of the night air tingling my naked legs, it's happening right now.

this is my new computer case. its empty innards hungry to be filled with circuitry and energy, completing a long-time goal of building a new computer.

it's parts are strewn all across america, with arrival times slated for week's end. but the end of the week lies an uncertainty that all the parts will arrive in an orderly manner or that they'll even work upon completion. as the week progresses, i'll take the parts in as they come and do what i will with what is in front of me, not hypothesize about what's to be done next, because i can't say for sure.

and that's how i look at life, with uncertainty in it's future and a past that stays there. i don't dwell on my past mistakes and i don't worry about the ones i will make. i'm in the here and now, and that's how i prefer it.

life really is beautiful, but have you come to recognize it?

wow

our Dreams
and They are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-tone loving
Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my HEART
like
Why are we here?
and Where do we go?
and How come it's so hard?
_jack johnson

the anatomy of a freak 3

i'm not going to make up for lost time

I suppose most kids in the US grow up in a secure, happy environment. I was that kid for the most part growing up. When I was my young, plump self, I was indeed a happy kid running around with my friends and doing what kids do best.

I think back to those summers of my childhood and it reminds me of how simple life was, and how simple life should be.

But things got complicated. My parents, busy with p&h, didn’t have the time to raise me the way they raised my brother and sisters. I was a bully, getting into fights everyday, not doing homework, and being the opposite of my family; lazy and non-appreciative.

So at the end of the 4th grade year, my father and I went to visit old family friends in Tex. My parents had told me of a twin sister I had never known about, and off we went for a first time visit. It was exciting, getting on that plane and taking off. None of my peers at the time have traveled much outside of New York and the Jersey Shore, so for me to be setting off into the sky headed for Tex was a whole new adventure for me.

The family lived in the suburbs of Austin, 3 daughters and a son. The oldest was a mere 6 days older than me and all are book smart beyond their years, not to mention slim. Coming into their house, I was the opposite of the family in every way imaginable, the boy-devil who had come to consume them all with it’s evil.

I was tricked by my whole family into going down there. There was no twin, and the supposed 2 week trip turned out to be a 9 month exercise into shaping me to be more like the stereotypical Asian kid; ultra-smart, hardworking, and respectful. Look at me now, and ask; did it work?

The life lived in Tex was a complete one-80 from what I left in Philly. I had to study, do homework, do piano lessons, do extra-curricular math activities, and do a stuffy house-hold that allowed little personal growth. The kids are all cookie-cutter Asians. The parents, stern and extremely academically inclined.

It was a bad year. I was asked as a child to turn the reins at a moment’s notice. I’m not sure if anyone took into consideration my feelings on it all, or if maybe they thought for a moment that a child, though moldable, might have a difficult time being away from it’s family. Maybe they didn’t think that a carefree kid would have an overtly difficult time adjusting to a completely different set of standards and a whole new way of life. They expected results, and those results were expected right away.

I remember my brother and my mother visiting me a couple of months after the school year started. Their stay was without a doubt the greatest joy and the biggest heartbreak; seeing them, my flesh and blood, freed me from the family i was staying with, but when they left, I locked myself in the bathroom and balled my eyes out. I cried so hard and for so long, it had been about 5 years since I've cried in the same way when my mother and I left Vietnam.

But shit, I wish I knew what was coming after Tex, because living in Arizona with the younger sister was hell on the sun, and I don’t just mean temperature wise..

the anatomy of a freak II

i suppose at the root of every problem, exists a family. something to give rise to such a devil child must stem from somewhere, and what better place than to start than childhood? the time when one is most vulnerable, most impressionable, and most scared. stability at at childhood can be an illusion, especially when you look at how many dysfunctional people are mass reproducing at an attempt to smother us with lunatics, but i digress: your's truly had a tumultuous childhood, which in turn helps label me more a 'freak' than you may have realized thus far.

maybe it was the fact that i grew up in a immigrant/refuge household. i was always different than most the other kids. sure i had a few who had the same growing pains, but we were grossly out numbered and didn't realize each other's plight. that growing up in such a household, where responsibility is shared amongst 3 older siblings and parents equally puts a strain on a living relationship. i remember having a sweatshop in my basement as a child, my whole family bent over sewing machines hours and hours at a time. my brother and sisters would come home from school and start sewing away. the younger sister had a particular talent with it, even though it was the older one who went on to design clothing for a living. the brother was always confused as to why he had to slave over mounds of cloth while his friends were able to go out and play.

he and the younger sister always agreed about one thing; they hated sewing and resented missing out on their childhood, even to this day [let it go assholes].

i just watched and ate cheese and butter and shit like that. all the hardships flew right by me, but hey, you can't expect a 4 or 5 year old to do hard labor. i mean, does this look like asia?

but we progressed. one of the sewing machines is in my room, maybe it was the lucky one, i haven't a clue. but from the house/sweatshop on bingham st, we move 2 blocks over to c st, where yet another form of labor was put on my family; a small corner grocery store, run and owned by the pham family. welcome to p&h corner grocery.

but this is where my dilemma comes in; because it's a family run business, it requires a great deal of work and dedication to make it a success. needless to say, success became something uttered quite often when referring to my family, as all the hard, back breaking work paid off.. for the most part. i've written a bible about my family's start with the sweatshop, the start with the store, and left out everything since their exodus from the motherland, and i've yet talk about me.. except for the whole cheese and butter thing.

so, to shorten things; family profited from the store, oldest sister graduated penn state and now designs clothes for adidas, younger sister graduated temple pharm and who's highschool sweatheart turned husband is a dollar store mogul in az, and the brother graduated villanova and is ceo of his own media design firm.

and where do i lay? somewhere in between hobo and college dropout. and before i run off on another tangent, you may wonder where i lay back in the days of p&h. you may remember me saying something about cheese and butter, which may lead you to believe i was an overweight child. however, you'd be wrong; i was a grossly overweight child, with enough love handles and double chins for victims of a downed boeing 747 to latch on to. and the store? that didn't help much, being as i was living in junkfood valhalla.

but thank god i grew out of that stage. i weighed in at almost 120lb. when i was 10. that's insane to weigh that much when you haven't even grown past 5', because some said i was growing out faster than i was growing up.

but the root of the weight-loss came not only from dieting, but it came from an unprecedented level of stress up to that point in my life..

sometimes, i feel like this..

'thank you for smoking'

like everyone's staring at me, feeling sorry for me.. or some shit. i can't blame them, i feel a little sorry for myself as well :D go ahead, stare at me, i dare ya.

but by golly was today a lovely day. spring is finally rearing its beautiful face, and what a beautiful face it is. with the sun and warm weather comes the shedding of those winter furs, when the lovely shapes begin making an appearance again. there's not much worthy of a fine ass shaking its way down the road, us boys just kind of cock our heads sideways and stare as if we're caught in a trance.


'as if?' please, we are in a trance. the hormones rocketing off ones body strikes like the death star on alderaan with no mercy. even guys lucky enough to have a fine woman by their side can't help themselves from the fresh display of bootay making the rounds. it's been months since the weather has been warm enough in this region to see a babe rocking her goods.


and is it my fault it's all on display? hell no. if my eyes wander, you better believe it's because i haven't gotten my jollies off in a little while, but once i do.. ooooh, watch out.

don't get me wrong, i'll still be looking.. just not nearly as often. long.