arg..

i'm in need of a catalyst. success comes to those who work hard..

or are lucky. and i'm definitely not working hard towards my inevitable success..

but i'm not lucky, either.

i'm having one of those 'stalled out' phases. nothing seems to be progressing, and i am way too comfortable.. and i just want to scream at the top of my lungs until i cough up some blood. i want to kick out of this rut so hard that it knocks some sense into someone else.

i just need to wake the fuck up, man. life's too precious to wallow away in my own misery and self-loathing..

it's just so easy to get complacent..

A SPARK

is all it takes to make something everlasting

the anatomy of a freak 1

you ever question how? well, you could question many a thing, but i'm questioning how i became who i am today. or how they became who they are; brash, shy, ignorant, insane, etc. etc.

incredible is the transformation from childhood to adulthood..

the whole concept of sanity is one i highly dispute, because normalcy is a facade we wear everyday in an attempt to conform to society's standards. and standards are nothing to be reckoned with, as they vary widely and change from place to place. even within nations offer variances and cannot for sheer number remain constant.

but one constant you can always rely on is the imposed image of 'normal'. have you asked yourself what normal is? or is normal something hand-fed to us since our inception? i often discuss the topic in hopes that someone can give me a straight answer without saying something along the lines of 'whatever everyone else does' or 'not what you're doing.'

i've yet to meet one normal person. i've met plenty of boring people, and by golly they're as close to normal as i can think of, but not yet one that truly is. everyone has their quirks that cause them to stray and stay unique in the sense that it's unlikely there is someone else existing on this planet just like them. we're unique, but only in the loosest sense of the word, because we can be trained to respond as a group in the same way. how we dress, how we talk, how we approach situations, that can all be taught to be done a certain manner.

but our outward mechanics do not shed light on what's going on behind the eyes. for example; though we may have grown up in beverly hills and shudder at the site of a bum or someone not in a ferarri, we may indulge in licking the asshole of the gardener or getting spanked by a 5 dollar crackwhore. maybe we enjoy the thought of going camping and living in the wilderness without our wordly delights, or not bathing in a pool of evian, something a fashionista or executive mogul could never, ever do without.

those would drive your neighbors and co-workers to call you abnormal, i think in fear of being called abnormal themselves if they don't.

because in all likely hood, they too would enjoy getting spanked by the crackwhore whilst licking mexican cornholio.

but back to me! i attempt to blend in, not because of the fear of being run out by torches and daggers, but because i don't like to draw an inordinate amount of attention to myself. but if i had made my views and thoughts clear, would anyone have the courage to stand and say, 'ay, as i do enjoy fondling me girlfriend's buttocks after a nice bike ride, mate' or 'i would love to join you in a nudist colony, hieu.' most likely not, and to compound further the alienation i would have garnered, no one would talk to me for misery most absolutely loves company.

it isn't all about perverse pleasures though people. it too includes mannerisms and how we bring ourselves through the day. something like singing in the car at the top of your lungs will cause people to stare. maybe staring at yourself in the mirror will cause people to, hypocritically, call you vain, while they know damn well they'd do the same, but in the closet next to their dildos and guns.

so what am i getting at? that we're not so normal, and maybe the presence of those not seeming normal are just those bored with the old song and dance. and who can blame them? after all, people just love breaking out of their mundane work clothes.. and after all, isn't it the same idea?

spring is in the air

can't you just feel it, man?

a long time ago

i lived here. i looked out of this window and saw a sky with no bounds, begging to be explored. i felt the summer breeze flow through the window and lavish me with the warmth of summer. i heard the sounds of the neighborhood playing along with the flow.. i smelled the sweet smell of life that night, i can remember as if it were yesterday.


the setting sun always brought about colors i forgot existed in this world of ours. a darkening blue surrounding and crashing down on hues of lavender and violet, weaving their way through the atmosphere to remind us that life is beautiful.

whatever worries resided in my head that day, whatever problems that tried to bring me down, were slowly melted away in a sea of senses.

meow

life takes exploring

i'm me

and there are no excuses for it.

i'm different, but only in thought. i'm scared to obviously stray from the norms of society to the point where people take notice and snicker. instead, i do so in the comfort of my own insanity.

i deep down don't enjoy the attention a birthday garners, because i believe i was born when i was conceived, not when i exited the womb. but that conflicts with my belief that abortions are ok, because an embryo isn't living to me..

i don't so much care that i'm not going to be exiting school along with my friends. so they'll be working on their career while i'm still taking exams. and my parents and their friends are in shock to hear that i'm still in it for the long haul, because their darling, gifted, emotionless kids graduated from pharmacy school before they could legally lift a beer to their mouth. all the while, i'm running around shooting video and taking pictures to pretty up my walls..

i don't feel bad that a junior in high school is, in all probability, smarter than me. so they can hit the calculus books running while i stumble with simple equations they could solve while doped up on meth and smack. hey, academia was never, ever my forte. i was the underachiever with little brainpower to back it up..

i ain't the best looker of the bunch, either. i have rolls on my stomach from months of inactivity, and it scares me a little. i have scar tissue on my chest that would cause some people to never take off their shirts. and yet, i can't stop staring at myself in the mirror or photowhoring myself with my camera..

but i try in my own weird fashion. i feel more than it's right. i enjoy myself more than it's recommended. i think past my ability to retain such thoughts. i..

i can't help being me.

but i can't help being so misunderstood in a world where everything is as it seems, yet isn't.

it isn't just about a box of chocolate..

people enjoy bitching and moaning about a few particular holidays until they're red in the face. the culprits? why, xmas and v-day, of course [when you look at v-day, doesn't it almost remind you of VD? food for thought..]. why, they love to scream and yell at how these card companies love getting fat over a day that has turned into the huge profit machine it has always been. come one, nobody really cares what you think, because we're a habitual race; we will always buy gifts on christmas and we will always give chocolate and roses on valentines day..

..until aqaeda overruns our western philosophy and crams the quran down our fatpipes.

but that won't ever happen.. at least, i hope it won't happen.

anyhoo, instead of going on a tirade about how you hate the commercialization of a commercial holiday, take that time and huff-n-puff you just saved and tell someone that they're special to you. some need an excuse to say 'i love you', so use it, and use it wisely. get close and share something you might not have shared prior to make it special. it's not often you get a holiday put aside for love, so consider it a chance to get romantic, or at the least an emphatic attempt at showing what heart you have, you cold, miserable fuck.

a tip from the lonely one, use it well.

the colors of life

leaving you behind

i can't quite put my finger on it.. but i'm lacking inspiration. i'm in need of a muse to whimsically take me away into a land not devoid of imagination and free-spirit, a land where my mind can roam..

where's the love, now?

funny how things change, isn't it? one moment, you're in the throws of love, the next you're at homicidal levels with homicidal tendencies..

welp

bros before hos

chicks before dicks

you know what i mean. i know that you know those statements. it's 'the pledge', and a pledge amongst many, but this one extremely popular in the younger age group. i think us guys tend to use it a lot more often than the chicks, but i could be wrong, i don't hang out with too many hos. or chicks for that matter.

but that's besides the point.

what i'm going after is how many hos are out there? i know there are a ton of dicks, and a formidable amount of hos, but how many hos are selected as the wifey? look at it like this:

would you call your girl a ho? and where does bros before hos extend from? come on, if you had that cherry hot babe up top at your every need, how hard is it going to be to tear away and join up with your friends who [for the most part] don't lay a single seductive hand on your body? when you have someone to tend to your wants and desires, it becomes increasingly difficult to pull away. i understand this. do you? so, i'm not the least bit surprised when i hardly see my friends who are in relationships. they have their own thing going on, and if it's not higher in priority, then the relationship either;
a] isn't right, or
b] been going on for a long time.

friends can only offer so much. the personal relationship takes it to that next step, and offers what the former cannot.

so, before you go saying bros before hos, take a look in the mirror and understand how much you're lying to yourself.


ps. happy birthday to myself. technically, i'm 21 now. spiritually, i've been 21 for 9 months.

i just want

peace. love. happiness.

leave the complications to them. the life full of complexities and drama is not the life for me.

i have simple wants and needs, and the things outside of that do not concern me.

so with your overt materialism, leave. with your hypocritical manners, leave. your lack of compassion for your fellow man, leave. be gone, and leave me to continue on without the distractions you bring, without the fog of dismay you drag by your side.

don't take it for granted

at least not too much, it may become contagious.

'hieu, what are you talking about?'

i'm talking about your time, our time. it's limited, and we must realize the scope of it lies heavily upon our decisions on how to utilize it. please, don't take this as a carpe diem piece, in which i ask you to live everyday like it's your last. while it may be a tad presumptuous, i don't know anyone who does so, or has the energy to keep up with such a lifestyle.

i'm just asking you to hear my story, and take heed.

because i was in prison. i was in jail. i had my time taken away from me.. and when the situation became clear, i cried. i wept. i broke down and cried so hard, i haven't cried a single tear since. a half year of my life, gone. and in that time, you can only imagine how i ached to be free. of course, it doesn't matter too much now, it was a long time ago and in the end, it's all for naught. but we live for the here and now. at least, that's how we should be living.

never looking back
or too far in front of me
the present is a gift
and i just wanna be..
_common

to james kim

courtesy of cnet.com

for those of you who don't know about the james kim situation, it ended on a sad note today. for those of you who don't know james kim, here's a quick blurb; an audio tech editor at cnet.com, james was known for his honest opinions on the ever changing audio assault on the mp3 market. he reviewed hundreds of products and became a fixture to anyone who went on the site.

after a thanksgiving trip to the northwest, james, his wife kati and 2 children went missing when james and kati missed appointments the following week on tuesday. friends and family, as well as cnet.com posted updates to the situation, and thousands of people who frequent cnet.com chimed in on the cause to find the kim family. they were missing, and to make matters worse, they were missing in the oregon frontier; extremely dense forest, horrendously miserable weather, sharp cliffs, raging waters, and a tech editors worst nightmare; no reception for the cell phones.

in a place where technology failed, the human nature to persevere remained fully intact. after having been lost for a week, james set out on foot saturday at an attempt to finding aid, leaving his family behind at the vehicle, where they'd undoubtedly be safest. kati and the children were discovered on monday, and searches for james continued throughout the week.

i was, and remain, extremely optimistic in my nature. i truly believed that james would, though a bit roughed up, be found alive. the news of his family being found intact only strengthened my belief and i was soon awaiting news for his return. with such an exhaustive amount of force searching for him, it had to be any moment we came across james jumping up and down looking up at a rescue helicopter ready to take him home to his family.

unfortunately, it didn't happen that way. while capturing video in class, i took a moment to update myself on the news about the missing editor, only to see the image that resides above. i couldn't believe my eyes. 'you can't be serious, it can't be.' but it was. the reality of the situation had set in, and it became apparent that hopes and prayers can only do so much in keeping a person on this planet, especially in the wilderness in the winter.

but this man, he transcended the human realm into something more; he became what so many are afraid to become, and that's being fearful. he feared for his family's safety, and barring all advice of staying in one place, he set foot in search of help, because that's what must've been going on inside his head, his heart. and i feel so badly knowing that he died doing what he felt was right, and that knowing the outcome, he would've been ok if he stayed put. but that's in hindsight, no one would have known for sure how this would have unfolded. some cry unnecessary actions, while i holler unbridled love.

my heart aches for your family, james. i wish the outcome of this story would be different, but this world isn't having any of that at the moment. thank you for showing me what mp3 player to get, but mostly, thank you for showing me how a person should act and feel when they're called upon. james, you will be missed.

is it..

the face of fear? anger? agony? confused joy?

alone..

.. but not really alone like that. it's getting cold out there, and it feels natural to want someone there to help keep you warm.. and for you to do the same. someone to share the emotions and feelings with.. something your friends and family cannot possibly give you, but something you must give to yourself.

i want a love that has the potential to flourish in the harsh seasons, to radiantly glow in the dimming days that plague us. it's hard to ask the heart to wander aimlessly without a deeper connection. it's hard to ask a heart to weather the storm of isolation. and it's harder to ask it to stand strong in such adversity without showing it at least a glimpse of what it can revel in..

even if the love cannot last, that it would fail a miserable death and shatter and hopes of something more true were to fade.. i seek it none the less, i hunger for it. because someone out there, too, wants what i want, and we can rejoice together..

..even if it's a short while..

the more we change..

the more we stay the same?

maybe it's in vain, but is it too late to reinvent yourself? is the old adage that people don't change true? we can provide plenty of arguments on the subject, but when it comes down to it, you do what you must to sally forth on your path..

WAKE UP!!

[.. and drive?] haha, this isn't a car commercial. it's life, which to some, isn't as serious. but at some point, you have to wake past the slumber in which you've been possessed and realize that life isn't made to be wandered through in a murky haze.

so my words to me [and maybe you, whoever you may be] is this:

snap out of it. there is no ultimatum.

they say..

..smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to.